I wish i had more time to write.

I have booked 30 weddings for this summer. It’s this daunting 16 weeks that are on the horizon, but hurtling towards me at warp speed. Most of my work time is spent coordinating these weddings. Lovely brides, demanding brides. I can’t even keep straight who is who at this point. Each bride has pages and pages of notes in her file so that every detail is documented, planned and executed. I often go to work after 7pm to talk to one of them on the phone because that is the only time they are available. Wedding planning is an evening activity closely aligned with pinterst viewing. Oh pinterest, my hate is strong for you and your unrealistic expectations.

I’m trying desperately to get this marathon training and running the damn thing done before this wedding season swallows me whole. I’m not even sure how the training is going. I’m on my second flu since December and missing another week of running. There is no logic in my brain about this, just panic. Why? Because 26 miles is a long, long way. I am keeping the joy and jubilation i know i will feel at the finish line close to my heart, otherwise i might crack under the pressure. The training is really the hardest part. The constant planning and tracking, the loss of an entire day off to the preparation and execution of the weekly long run. Running for three hours followed immediately by the arrival home from school of four children is comparable to two long runs in a row.

I think i have finally found some lasting way to be graceful and find grace in the world. It took me a long time. I feel an almost constant sense of peace now. I understand how to love shane without ego now. I know how to make every minute i have left in this world meaningful. I know that my flaws and weaknesses are part of what make me human and vulnerable. I get it. Happiness is a gift as is sadness and sorrow. Balance.

Between being sick and being on holiday, but actually working every day, i’ve lost my momentum. I’ve been running, but not really running. I should be four weeks into marathon training, but it’s been more like a hobble here and there.

I think it must be January. I’m not a fan of this month. Spring is so very far away and to be honest westcoast spring is really just more winter. I want to sit in some bright sun, close my eyes and just soak in warmth. I’m tired of furnace and fire heat. I wish we had the means for a hot holiday.

In the shower this morning i was thinking about all the things that have changed for me in the past four years and some goals i have in mind to keep up this progression.

I really want to live a mindful life. Be aware and genuine and loving in every facet of my daily existence. I want to leave judgment to mean and shallow people. Leave guilt in my past. Accept that life is messy, mistakes are often and there is beauty in everything.

I desperately want to parent my children without fear. Almost impossible though given the horrors of the world. So instead i will accept fear as a prerequisite to parenting and let them go into the world despite it.

I constantly search for meaning in places where there is quite possibly none to be found. That is part of living from a fear based place rather than a loving center. Sometimes there just isn’t an answer and there is no way to make it all better. Sometimes i just go in for a hug.

2012 was a really fantastic year. Really great. My favourite things month by month:

January – our first annual family vacation up Mt Washington. Six days of skiing and connecting. Seeing the kids get along and enjoy each other was truly magical. I can’t wait to go again next week!

February- i got a ribbon in a 10k race for coming in 8th in my age group! There’s something pretty fantastic about a sport that lets you win ribbons, even when your forty.

March- i ran my fastest half-marathon of the year, but the best part was my young friend coming back out on the course to run me in the last kilometer. I’m still not used to having friends that are so darn nice. The encouragement and camaraderie i have experienced from running buddies has been amazing.

April- we lost our little bunny, Benni. He was such an awesome, unexpected pet and we were all very sad when he died. I still miss him. I also spoke at the Breathe Now conference in Victoria about blogging through mental illness. I’m pretty sure i didn’t do great, but i did it and it was a major challenge for me. So, it was a good thing to do and i’m proud i did.

May- i ran my first marathon in 4hours and 15 minutes. My family was with me every step of the way and pulled me through on the course. Shane was so supportive and amazing. It was a remarkable day. I can hardly wait to tackle this one again this year.

June- eliza, toby and tristan all had birthdays. As they get older the parties don’t happen as much anymore, but we make special dinners and try and spend quality time together. Eliza requested tacos, toby had lobster and artichokes and steak for tristan. Eliza graduated from Elementary School and i cried at her graduation. Lake time officially started and days once again revolved around swimming in the lake and hanging in the village.

July- it all becomes a blur. Wedding season was in high rotation. I worked and that was about it. Snuck a bit of beach time in there. This year i plan for a better work/life balance.

August- almost a ditto except Shane and i managed to send the kids off on various adventures, Tristan and Toby to Toronto and Parker and Eliza to Saltspring, and we stayed home and spent four days together. We swam, we slept, we went for runs, we cooked together. We re-grouped and re-focused on each other. It was fantastic.

September- school started back. The kids all are happy and doing well, really well in school. The most amazing thing is how well Toby is doing. He is not getting any extra assistance, he is on a modified educational program because of his learning disability, but the boy pulls out awesome grades and is one of the best friends a kid could have. I am so proud of each and every one of them. Tristan also got caught hitchhiking! with her boyfriend, this was one of the more minor infractions she pulled throughout the year. Mostly with that damn boyfriend by her side.

October- work slowed down and running sped up. Two half marathons in three weeks. Felt so good to be back in shape and moving my body and leaving the stressful summer behind. Shane and Eliza both ran a shorter distance race at both events too! So proud of them.

November- The boyfriend brought a three week old kitten to our house. We(I) rescued the kitten and he has turned out to be one of my greatest joys. He’s just at normal adopting age now and i just adore him. Shane wonders when he gets to not have a kitten sleeping in between our heads. (never) Same boyfriend and daughter also got lost on a boat in the middle of the night. The stories i have!

December- what’s not awesome about this month? Customers are happy and tip well, couples get engaged and book weddings, snow sometimes falls. It was a perfect month with the unexpected gift of getting my daughter back. She broke up with the boyfriend and though she was heartbroken, it meant we had more family time than we had in a very long time. We played board games, baked together, danced together. I hugged her when she cried. She took her little sister to her first concert. It was a really great year.

Bam. There goes another year. The passing of time is so cruel.

I try not to watch the clock when i’m bored, especially at work. Constantly remind myself “don’t wish for time to go by, it goes too fast already.”

I’ve been embracing the time in between dinner and bed time. The hours of the day that used to be the most painful. Exhaustion had me near tears just trying to make it until the kids went to bed. Now, probably because i am in the best physical shape of my life, i have way more energy and patience. I hold close to my heart every minute i get to sit with one of the kids and do homework, or those rare moments when my teenager will have a real conversation with me or the sunday evening when all of us crowd around the television, every inch of cushioned seating spoken for, to watch “The Walking Dead.” I love each of them so fiercely and independently, the years with them as children slipping by so quickly.

It seems that in contentment, in a life free of big drama, days and months slip by. I barely notice until i look at my young son, sleeping beside me and realize he’s almost the same size as me now. He’s still my little baby, my bookend.

I’ve been waiting all year to listen to this Christmas song again

I’ve come in to this sense of calm and serenity lately. Things have been going really well for a decent spell of time. I feel settled into life and my skin in a way i never have before.

I’m working full time, half of it at a desk doing a job that i created for myself. I’m working the magic fingers of Social Media for my company and i enjoy it and even better than enjoying it? I’m actually really good at it. I spend the rest of my time at work coordinating weddings and managing staff and slinging food. I’m not used to being a professional at anything, so it’s fun and encouraging.

I rush home and get dinner on the table and make the lunches and do the homework. All the things that used to drive me crazy give me great gratification. I think because domesticity doesn’t define me anymore. I am so much more than that.

The kids are amazing and have turned our home into the central hub. We have kids around all the time, sometimes cooking dinner for twelve of us. We squish in our much too small living room and share laughs and dancing demonstrations from tap dancing girls and gangnam style boys. It’s an easy joy that flows through the house.

We bought a house and then decided not to buy a house. I was a little (lot) upset about it. I had written stories of us in that giant house. Dinner parties and summer bbq’s. In the end shane was probably right that we have everything we need right here in this little house that affords us the luxury of disposable income.

I’m looking forward to the next seven months of running before work and weddings steal my summer away. Another marathon and a bunch of lofty goals to keep me encouraged and motivated. To keep my restless mind rested.

the leaves are turning, the squirrels are hoarding, the kids are fleeing the zombies.

wait.

i switched our sheets over to flannel, the furnace has been turned on for the first time and the frost is there in the mornings. my favourite season is here.

my schedule at work is so much more relaxed in these fall/winter months. i spend saturday mornings at home. lounging over coffee and kids. and recently go for a run with shane.

i know he’s doing this for me. this running thing. and i love him for it. the hour or so we spend together, alone, on saturday mornings is wonderful.

it balances me. helps me deal with the shenanigans the kids and the world throws at me through the week. have you had a rebellious 15 year old daughter? i do.