Would it be strange to look inside other peoples heads? I was thinking about that.
Yesterday on my run i had an unfortunate case of gastrointestinal distress. What started as a simple “hmmm” along with a million other thoughts like: “What should i make for dinner. Pretty farm. Stupid shins. How far have i gone? How fast am i going? Oh! Pretty song. I like these lyrics. I feel tired. I feel great.” The feed that goes through my head when i’m running is like a constant stream of crap. It just all goes out, until there is nothing left except breathing and music.
Anyway, the “hmmm…” quickly became an uh-oh, rapidly followed by an “oh my god!” I stopped to walk, hold my arms above my head, crouch down – it was imminent. But that didn’t stop the rapid fire panic inside my head. After (i’ll spare you the during) when i got home i looked at my Garmin and saw that, despite all that drama (during which i didn’t bother to stop the timer) i had still finished my 10k in an hour and seven minutes. And you know what? I was proud! That’s how crazy running is.
Back to inside your head. I thought that what was going on inside my head during that roadside drama is pretty much how it is in there all the time, except the main characters and/or plot change. It’s a crazy storm in there and i fear that if anybody jumped in they would be very traumatized. This got me thinking of a young woman i work with. She is lovely and sweet and kind, but i can’t help noticing that every time i look at her when she thinks nobody is watching she’s either smiling or laughing, kind of a soft murmur on her lips.
So strange, these inside thoughts.
There is beauty in the break down.
We have all had our ups and downs, some of us have had the break down. Sometimes it happens so fast it is nothing but traumatic.
Sometimes it happens so slowly you don't even see it coming. Then one day a paper cup thrown on the side of the road causes you to stumble and cry. Someone threw that cup away and left it there to rot, to add another chip to the crap that lines the road. But the cup is wasting away, becoming part of the dirt. A banana slug crawls through a hole in the bottom.
The cup becomes something beautiful that you never would have cared about if your life hadn't, over days, weeks, months, closed in on itself until all there was was you, the road and the discarded remnants of peoples lives.
I have a fear of being judged. I'm pretty sure we all do. I wasn't aware of how much this fear was holding me back, keeping me from opening up. This fear based thinking makes me reactionary. When shane and i argue (which we do often) i couldn't hear what he was saying because my reaction was always on the defensive. Nothing revolutionary, but a surprise to me.
Part of this fear in me is because i have been judged over and over for the past several months. There is a person in this world, whom i have never met, who has two blogs and a twitter account and probably other outlets that are all focused on a deep hatred for me.
Every single thing i put out on the internet is judged in immediate stinging words. Over the months i have kept telling myself don't look, don't read, don't participate. But, i just couldn't stop.
I never acknowledged or engaged in any way, but would sit up at night wondering why. Why is this person doing this, and why is it hurting me so much.
And then i realized i don't like this feeling of being judged. I don't like this. This is taking my energy away from where it should be, it is creating a fear in me that doesn't need to be there. The people who love me don't judge me. This has nothing to do with me. This is only a reflection on this other person and their own fears. The words they are saying are more about them than anything to do with me.
And so? And so i just don't care anymore. I'm going to continue writing and reading and living my life with a great family, i will not be put into some self-imposed hiatus because of it. Instead, i'm moving on, letting go and letting that hatred fade away. I'm going to not let this fear hold me back anymore.
So, how about the weather?
Being in the thick of this thing i can't really share what's going on because i am processing so many feelings. I can tell you that it has been a week. It's exhausting this talking, especially for me as i am not a big talker. This is a difficult and enlightening journey and if at the end of it things don't work out i will know in my heart that the decisions were made out of love and honesty, not hatred and deceit. I am hopeful that my marriage will start again. Fresh and full of love. But, if it doesn't, this is a much better way for it to end.
But, today is mother's day. I woke up to smiling faces, a glass of juice and a cup of coffee. Breakfast was made and gifts were given. It was lovely and wonderful and all the things the day should be.
Happy Mother's Day.
Today i am officially off my medication for depression and anxiety. Manic Depressive. Bi-polar disorder. Borderline Personality Disorder. Social Anxiety Disorder. There's been a few in there.
Seven months ago i tried to commit suicide. For the fifth time in my life.
Five months ago my thirteen year marriage ended.
It would seem that, if ever there was a time, now is the time i need to be medicated. But? But, i feel differently. I feel like i have worked through a lot of the demons that have been haunting me. I have forgiven myself. I have forgiven others. I became ready to try life without the fog of drugs.
For me, medication never really made me feel better. I was on medication during my suicide attempt. It just made me feel dull and like a shell of my former self. Everything became more difficult.
Finding joy. Finding artistic fulfillment. Feeling awake. Feeling alive. Remembering things. Not needing ten hours of sleep.
Sure, i could face the world without anxiety. But the cost felt too high. I feel like i lost myself in prescription medicine.
This morning when it was time to take my medicine. A time that filled me with anxiety every morning because i knew that if i forgot, even for a few hours, i would face debilitating headaches and nausea later in the day. But, it was very scary to let go of that crutch. That thing which assured me, despite side-effects, was making me better.
I did it. I took my extra vitamins. My fish oils. My acidopholous. I sprayed some rescue remedy in my mouth and i faced the day. A first day in over two years without effexor, lorazepam, ativan, zanax or cipralex.
I made it through. It wasn't great. But, it wasn't horrible.
And i feel a little bit freer tonight. Waiting for it all to leave my body completely.
Waiting for me.