There is one thing i am very good at. I'm good at doing all the wrong things to try and ease my broken brain. It's not broken, it's just not right. The doctors tell me i'm bi-polar, sometimes they tell me i'm just depressed, or just anxious. Sometimes they tell me i'm just fine. Sometimes they look at me with great concern, or perhaps relief.
I'm not very good at taking care of my head. I try and i often fail. That became apparent over the winter. I was doing fine, but not really. I was coping. Coping by self-medicating or staying up all night. Keeping myself occupied with books or music or boys. Avoiding the loud rush that was getting louder in my head.
Sure i took my Holy Basil and my vitamins. That was about it. Days on end without food or sleep. Unhealthy. All around. Mind, body and soul – all a little bit broken.
And then my grandpa committed suicide. It sparked a fever in me. I wanted to make it right. Make me right. To not be this broken little person any longer.
I peeled away the layers. Looked at all the festering little sores and decided to fix as much as possible.
I removed some people from my life and added one important new one. I asked my ex-husband to give me one more chance. To give me the chance to change, to open up, to be a better person. I came to him completely open. Free from secrets and lies. Letting myself be the me i used to be. Or maybe the me i was meant to be. It may not work out, but i'm pretty sure it will. And it feels really good right now. It feels good to laugh and cry, to be held, to be loved.
I was gifted some running shoes. I have been running and running and running. Perhaps another way of self-medicating, or being obsessive. I don't know. All i know is when i run, my mind opens up, The rushing stops. My heart races, my chest heaves and my body burns. I feel alive, i feel on fire. I feel like i could run forever. Like if i keep going i am eventually going to find me, or perhaps leave all the bad bits behind me. A trail of worry and anxiety falling in my tracks.
I am trying something new. I am trying to be healthy. To be good and kind. To be generous and loving. To be greedy with myself. To give myself energy and time and freedom. Freedom doesn't mean being alone, i used to think that. Freedom means making life happen.
Okay so i went to this little thing with a couple friends and a wackload of other music lovers.
I can't even say, put in words, how much fun i had.
I've never been to a multi-day music festival before and the experience was totally amazing. I had more fun than i've ever had in my whole life. The bands, each and every one of them, were amazing. The Gorge is the most beautiful place i've ever seen. The people were all so nice.
Being with two female friends was fantastic. It was so easy to just give in to it. To dance without caring who was watching, to laugh till we cried, to let each other just be.
Not to bore but the highlight bands for me were Vampire Weekend, The Temper Trap, Passion Pit, The National, Band of Horses, Public Enemy, LCD Soundsystem, Massive Attack, Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, Seattle Rock Orchestra, Kid Cudi, OK Go, The Hold Steady, Minus the Bear, Tallest Man on Earth, Pavement, MGMT, Ween, Drive By Truckers, Japandroids and Mayer Hawthorne.
I'm totally going back next year.
I've been for a run every single day. It's not easy, but it feels really great. I borrowed toby's good quality headphones and turn my ipod on shuffle and away i go.
I forgot how awesome it is to run while listening to music. My mind wanders away from all it's worries and doubts and just floats in some surreal ether of momentum and music.
Running the train track is great too because i am totally alone out there. Houses and woods on one side and the lake on the other. I can hardly wait till my body springs into action and i can run for longer than 20-30 minutes.
I want to run every single day, i want to always be running, i want to be like forrest and run until i just don't.
I forgot what it feels like to have a racing heart. Well, not completely. My heart races all the time from anxiety, but that is more of a trying to leap right out of my body to escape the terror. The heart that races from running pushes and inspires and fills my head with that pure bliss of oxygen.
I am sitting in bed, cozy under the covers, a cup of tea beside me trying to find the words. Find the words that could do grace to this past week.
My grandmother passing away has given me the opportunity to reflect on life and love and the sum of her experience and my experience so far. I am not a religious person but i have faith in many things. I believe that the energy my grandma had in this world is still here and i breathe it in. She is a part of me.
On thursday i made a long commute by car and ferry to my three month check-up for my mouth. I love taking the ferry. British Columbia takes my breath away and moving through the ocean humbles me. Makes me understand how truly small i am, that the world moves along without us, but that in turn we move the world. My appointment was good, i had some good news and no longer have to go every three months – every six months. I felt so thankful. It's not all better, but the possibility of improvement was given to me. A gift of hope.
On friday i woke up happy and content. At peace with myself. Something that i don't feel very often. When i went to the post office to check my mail i had four gifts waiting for me. An income tax return, a credit on my hydro bill and two amazing and generous surprises from two amazing women and readers of this blog.
My week was giving me small gifts. Small reminders that i have value, that i am worthwhile.
My grandma's celebration was supposed to be on the weekend so i booked friday and saturday night off work. Problems with travel caused the celebration of life to be postponed. I was given the gift of a real weekend with my family.
Throughout the weekend i took small moments to stop and be thankful. To remember my grandma and whisper softly to her. Yesterday, as dinner was simmering away, the kids were playing happily and Wilco played on the stereo i had a moment of shear joy. Bliss. The possibility of a full and happy life spread out before me.