Every muscle in a body works together to propel it forward. Together they are this little team that takes you from here to whatever place you need to be. Lifting you out of bed, easing you into the comfy chair. They are so smart these muscles that when one is having trouble all the others will work a little harder to pick up the slack of the lazy, the misunderstood, the sick and the lonely.
The little clique.
At work we are a clique. We don’t work for the customer. Sure, the customer pays us. Feeds our families. Pays our mortgage. But we do all this so that at the end of the night, after the doors are locked and things are put in place we can toast our glasses and celebrate another success. Another day of a little family doing what it does best.
There are lots of changes happening. Winter is finally, gracefully, packing up. Some days a little frost on the ground lets us know it’s coming back – Spring is just stepping in for a bit. Picking up the slack.
A fight amongst siblings broke out in my kitchen the other day. There was a smack to a sisters face and tears and parental freaking out. When i returned from the obligatory placing in the timeout of the smacker my oldest daughter was there. Wiping away her sisters tears and putting a cold cloth on split lips. I almost disappeared at that moment. The little team.
Sixteen days until the marathon. Muscles are angry and tired and sore. Sleep is restless. Dreams of broken legs and shattered nerves. The system is falling apart. A war is waging between mind and body and body and mind. Two weeks to bring this house to order.
I want you to be the first thing that i see in the morning and the last thing that i feel before i close my eyes.
I want you to look up and see me smiling at you.
I want to hold your child.
I want to cry with you, laugh with you, sing with you.
I want to dance with you at your wedding.
I want to wipe the sweat from your brow.
I want to kiss your wounds.
I want to watch you fall in love.
I want you to know i admire you.
I want you to know you’re beautiful.
I want you to know it’s okay to try and it’s okay to fail.
I want you to know i will always be here for you.
I want you to know i am so proud of you.
I want you to know that i am sorry for the times i have failed you.
I want you to know i’m sorry for the times i hurt your feelings.
I want you to know that i loved you before i even met you.
When i walked in the kitchen this morning i was shocked to see my youngest son looking something like a teenager. All handsome and confidant. Sometimes seeing things in a different light changes everything.
On friday night i took the kids swimming. We went to a new pool and were surrounded by unfamiliar faces in an unfamiliar town. I was sitting in the hot tub watching the kids race up the stairs and zoom down the water slides. All knees and elbows and gleeful screams. Still all these years later i can’t believe how lucky i am. My little tribe. It’s in these moments where they play together, even if by necessity, these times when they get along and enjoy each others company. It’s in these moments that i wish to freeze time. That my mind could catch all of this forever in my heart. I could be bursting with love and pride for the rest of my days.
Toby and i spent a couple hours working on his homework yesterday. He falls behind in school because it takes him so much longer to read or write anything. I think he often just gives up, closes his book and moves on. I picture him there in his class, his throat swelling up with frustration and humiliation and it breaks me apart. He is so smart and clever and has the most amazing ideas, i hate his brain for making it so difficult for him to express himself. It hurts me to watch him struggle. To try my best to maintain a decent self-esteem for him while his education tries even harder to beat it out of him. I wake up at night wondering why almost every child in his grade got an “effort” award except him. The mountains of work he does at home combined with his perseverance make him the strongest little boy i know. He’s come so far. I hope he knows how proud i am of him.
My youngest daughter has an on again off again love affair with fairies. She builds beautiful houses for them out in the garden and leaves notes for them. I was so good at keeping up. At leaving little notes back or gifts. She has built two houses in the past six months. I neglected to reply to the notes sitting out there. She’d check some morning and say “i still didn’t get a note.” I have no excuse, because excuses are dumb. I simply kept forgetting when the day ended and they were all in bed. On saturday morning i went outside and saw that she had smashed up her house and the glass jar that had held a note for the past couple weeks. Those mistakes take the biggest piece of my heart.
Time just goes by and there is never enough of it. Never time to get it all right. Get it all done. Slow it down.
December 15 – 5 Minutes Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010. (Author: Patti Digh)
The only thing that is really important. My family. I have the four most amazing little creatures in my life. My kids make me laugh and cry. They bring me to the heights of every single emotion, then they burst the threshold and fill me with more love than i ever thought i could possibly hold. I am so thankful to have them in my life. They make me proud every single day. They continually amaze me. Watching them stretch and grow over the past year has been incredible. I never know what is around the corner when it comes to parenting and i look so forward to every single day with them and treasure every single one of these fourteen years i’ve been a parent.
All these little pieces of me, how i adore them.