From the category archives:

challenging myself

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January 5, 2012

in challenging myself,tristan

 

You make me miserable. I’m miserable all the time.

 

It has taken me over twenty years. Finally, in the shower this morning i understood.

 

On my sixteenth birthday my father picked me up from school so that i could go get my Learners License. The first thing he said to me was “you look like an aging french whore.” I’m not sure where that particular choice of words came from, but they stung. They hurt me to my core and i have talked about those words many times over the years. With friends, lovers, psychiatrists, strangers. They hovered over me, a constant ache. They stole from me the joy of a sixteenth birthday, a comfort in being and expressing myself however i wanted.

 

As i watch my daughter grow up i feel scared so much of the time. The boyfriend, the parties, the new social circle, the disinterest in me and the family. It’s lonely and scary and often sad. I am constantly trying to reach out to her. Tell her i love her as many times a day as is a little less than mortifying. She’s still there. I know she still loves us and that we still have a magical bond. She just doesn’t really need or want it right now. I force myself to be okay with it. To let her grow and blossom and become an individual. A shining light, well my shining light.

 

But, i get it now. My dad didn’t really think i looked like a whore he just didn’t have the emotional tools to tell me my growing up was freaking him out. Sometimes the cruelest words come from fear and desperation to hold onto what we have already lost.

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bucket list

November 5, 2011

in challenging myself

 

~ run a marathon, run an ultra marathon

~ see some whales up close and personal – in the ocean

~ go to italy and eat with wild abandon

~ drive across canada and the united states slowly, taking everything in

~ organize all the treasures around the house into keepsake boxes for the kids

~ go on separate holidays with each of my children when they graduate from highschool

~ build stronger connections with friends

~ go on a vacation with shane and not worry or feel guilty about the kids

~ learn to snowboard

~ grow my hair long one more time

~ try surfing in tofino again

~ ride my bike to work every day for a year

~ start a composting program from restaurants to the farm

~ adopt a rescue dog

~ teach my kids the beauty in giving, seeing, believing, loving and forgiving

~ buy myself a vespa scooter

~ keep going to Sasquatch with my closest friend, the bonding lasts the whole year

~ try to be less scared about the negative things that can happen with my kids and focus on the amazing gift watching them grow up is

~ finish the ironman

~read more, write more

~ belly laugh once in a while

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Day 05 ~ Something you hope to do in your life.

November 3, 2010

in challenging myself,running

One day, not very long ago, i woke up and took a long look in the mirror. I didn't like what i saw. I didn't like what other people saw.

 

I didn't want to be that woman anymore. I didn't want to be anxious all the time. I didn't want to live in constant fear that sadness would work it's way in and turn my heart black again.

 

I didn't want a bathroom full of pharmaceuticals that filled me with sickness and rage. I didn't want to look at a bottle of pills and wonder if i had enough to save me or end me. I didn't want to sit in some doctors office and justify why i needed another prescription for clonazepam.

 

I was sick of being the victim. I didn't want that part anymore.

 

And so i laced up some running shoes and tentatively stepped out in the crispy spring air and ran a little bit. There was something in those steps that filled me with excitement. Something close to happiness.

 

And i kept running. My new addiction. Oxygen and adrenaline flying through my body was the best high i had ever felt. And suddenly my mind calmed. My thoughts didn't race nearly as often. Days, and then weeks, went by without crippling anxiety stealing my life away from me.

 

I ran with 6,000 other people for two hours. The intensity of that many feet and minds pushing to a similar goal changed my life.

 

I want to run forever. I hope to run a marathon this year and every single year i am physically capable.

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to shutter, to calm, to race

June 12, 2010

in 2010 will be what it will be,challenging myself,eating,family,good days,marriage 2.0

IMG_0918.JPG
There is one thing i am very good at. I'm good at doing all the wrong things to try and ease my broken brain. It's not broken, it's just not right. The doctors tell me i'm bi-polar, sometimes they tell me i'm just depressed, or just anxious. Sometimes they tell me i'm just fine. Sometimes they look at me with great concern, or perhaps relief.
I'm not very good at taking care of my head. I try and i often fail. That became apparent over the winter. I was doing fine, but not really. I was coping. Coping by self-medicating or staying up all night. Keeping myself occupied with books or music or boys. Avoiding the loud rush that was getting louder in my head.
Sure i took my Holy Basil and my vitamins. That was about it. Days on end without food or sleep. Unhealthy. All around. Mind, body and soul – all a little bit broken.
And then my grandpa committed suicide. It sparked a fever in me. I wanted to make it right. Make me right. To not be this broken little person any longer.
I peeled away the layers. Looked at all the festering little sores and decided to fix as much as possible.
I removed some people from my life and added one important new one. I asked my ex-husband to give me one more chance. To give me the chance to change, to open up, to be a better person. I came to him completely open. Free from secrets and lies. Letting myself be the me i used to be. Or maybe the me i was meant to be. It may not work out, but i'm pretty sure it will. And it feels really good right now. It feels good to laugh and cry, to be held, to be loved.
I was gifted some running shoes. I have been running and running and running. Perhaps another way of self-medicating, or being obsessive. I don't know. All i know is when i run, my mind opens up, The rushing stops. My heart races, my chest heaves and my body burns. I feel alive, i feel on fire. I feel like i could run forever. Like if i keep going i am eventually going to find me, or perhaps leave all the bad bits behind me. A trail of worry and anxiety falling in my tracks.
I am trying something new. I am trying to be healthy. To be good and kind. To be generous and loving. To be greedy with myself. To give myself energy and time and freedom. Freedom doesn't mean being alone, i used to think that. Freedom means making life happen.

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fighting all alone

November 3, 2009

in bad days,being sick,challenging myself,screw you depression and anxiety,starting again

lunch with a view
I'm thinking it's probably a good thing i didn't end up being a stay-at-home mom to four school aged children.
Although i have had more days with sick kids around than not since school started in september, these days when i am home alone for five hours? I go stir crazy.
I think i don't know how to be alone. I know i don't know how to be alone.
I have friends that lunch, and yoga, and hike. Sometimes i think i should be doing those things. I should be climbing mountains, drinking wine over raunchy conversation, teetering around in high heels and put together bodies.
I should have friends. I joined Bitches Who Brunch knowing full well i would never, absolutely ever, show up.
I am socially inept. I am exactly what people think of when they hear about women who spend their days on twitter and facebook. I am a geek.
Geek sounds too romantic.
I am the living, breathing picture of social anxiety.
I can get all up in your face on the internet because i don't have to talk to you. I don't use any live chat applications, i rarely answer emails, i log in to skype in the very wee hours of the night to talk to one person. I never go "online."
I am alone, i choose to be alone, but i feel paralyzed by being alone.

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