I’ve been thinking, obsessing about two things lately. The marathon and speaking at Breathe Now this weekend. Time has been at a minimum to focus on either of these, which has led me to obsess more.
The marathon is going to happen. After my long run yesterday i realized that the months of training have magically worked. Though running 30km is still incredibly tough, mostly playing the mental game, i finish and i can go about my normal day. The days of muscle aches and stomach trouble are behind me. My body is there.
Speaking at Breathe Now is an entirely different monkey. My mental health is great, better than i think it has ever been. I haven’t felt anywhere close to a mental crisis for years now. What i realize when challenged by something like speaking at a conference is that, perhaps, i haven’t changed so much as i have changed my life to match my weaknesses. Meaning, my social anxiety is still very much in play, i just don’t challenge it ever. I work, i run alone and i spend time with shane and the kids. I never do anything social. Conveniently, i am always working when any opportunity to be social comes up. Shane has adjusted his life so that he fills his need for social interaction without me. Healthy? I’m not sure, but it is working for me. I fill my need for interacting with people and making friendships solely online. When real time meetings of online people come up i am largely unavailable.
So, speaking at the conference has brought up a bunch of familiar feelings of dread for me. In preparing for this weekend a huge part of getting ready has been focused on preparing myself to do something that makes me very uncomfortable. All of this ties very neatly into my presentation, so in many ways my own anxiety about talking has given me something to talk about.
I hope to see some familiar faces this weekend, even just for something to distract me from myself.
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Remember your words are powerful…I wish I were there to hear what you have to say (I’m sending mental strength for your talk). And as for finding what works for you in terms of anxiety…who’s to say that isn’t the best adaptation of all? Seems like the smartest choice to me.
Jess, it’s so funny, i was literally thinking of you on my run and came home and “bbom” a comment from you!
Yep, I’m still here, reading and occasionally commenting. Maybe I sensed you were thinking of me, I hadn’t checked in in a bit and suddenly I was wondering how you were doing, so there ya go!
Best wishes for a good conference.
Strange small world – just looked at the conference schedule, and you’ll be speaking with the widow of an old friend from my university days, Derek Miller’s widow Airdrie. How odd that my running world (I know you from DailyMile) and my university days have collided!
Wow Sarah! That’s cool. It is a small world indeed!
Your pictures are amazing. I love black and whites. Nonetheless, it sounds like you’ve been working hard on both your marathon and speaking at Breathe Now. I’m sure you will do fine.
Hey Jess, I recently stood up in front of a large group and spoke for 45 minutes. It’s something that in the past would have made me faint, I get so nervous in front of groups. But something in me really wanted to be able to do it, and I did it, and it went well! People really root for you when you are nervous. It gets the whole crowd on your side. So just be yourself, be nervous, and you’ll find that the experience and the crowd will work together to help you do well.