From the monthly archives:

February 2012

run

February 27, 2012

in running

It’s another year. Another marathon. Another series of races.

 

Things are going really well. I have finally figured out how to listen, really listen to my body. Accept that age and time and lifestyle all play their part in my performance. That the only thing i want to beat is myself. I want to track down those demons that haunt me and beat them out of my head. Push myself to the point that i want to quit, just give up. And then not do it. Don’t quit, don’t give up, just keep going. One more mile, one more step, one more day.

 

I ran in a small local race yesterday and pushed myself harder than i ever have. I wanted to be fast. I wanted to see exactly how much i could push. I ran at the very fastest speed i was capable for every mile of the six mile race. I had a couple in there that were under 8 minutes and all the rest averaged around 8:10. I felt like quitting. I felt dizzy at times. I felt my heart pounding on some of the hills. My breathing was quick most of the time, but when i started to think about it, i hyperventilated. I thought less and just concentrated on the little bit of road ahead of me. I didn’t care who passed me or who i passed. I just kept thinking “this is all about me.” That hour of my life i only thought about myself.

 

It was freeing. It was adrenaline. It was amazing.

 

I finished the 10km race in 50 minutes and 36 seconds. (my chip time was 51 even, but i’m going with my Garmin because i can.) I never thought i could keep on getting faster. Fitter. Stronger. I won a ribbon for placing 8th in my age group which made me giddy and proud.

 

The funny thing is late last night a friend posted some photos of me from the race and for a moment they defeated me. In my self-conscious eyes i looked horrible. I didn’t see how i feel. I saw a normal woman running. I didn’t see the runner i feel like. And that was hard to take. Defeating.

 

I had to sit and remind myself that this is, really and truly, my own journey. Running has made me healthier than i have ever been in my life. It has given me focus and drive and determination. Goals both attainable and a huge stretch. It will not turn me into something i am not. It will not transform this body that is mine by genetics and make-up. Most of the runners i see in races look exactly like me. A normal person.

 

But this is not completely normal is it. Most people don’t run marathons. Spend entire months completely focused on one thing. Running until they are about to break. Sometimes breaking. It is time to celebrate everything we do that is extraordinary.

 

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February 17, 2012

in 2012

We have been looking at houses. Searching for the elusive five bedroom.

 

I’m not sure what it is that propels us to keep on moving, keep on changing. Is it a wandering or is it a yearning. In another house it will all be perfect. If only we had room we would feel settled.

 

Sometimes it is easier to pack up, walk away from your problems than continue on the endless treadmill of what if’s and if only’s.

 

But stop. We have done that before and ended up back in the exact same spot. As my life leads further away from that four year hiatus from married life it becomes more of that life i used to know. All the struggle and insecurity fades and lights anew the warm glow of family.

 

And suddenly i wake up and i feel his warm hand on my hip. And i know that everything i have, everything that is in this house, all of it, all of it is exactly right.

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i miss your words

February 7, 2012

in 2012,running

 

Life just ticks along. There are the good and the bad and, usually, something in between.

 

My legs are tired and my heart is beating. Training for a marathon again and realizing that the only person i’m trying to beat is myself. To cross the finish line and erase the crushing memory of dropping out last year just 6 kilometers from the end. It’s going well, i’m listening to my body without listening too hard. Plugging in the miles week after week. I think i’m a third of the way there. The one lesson i have learned in these two years of running is that it is never easy and 26.2 miles is a damn long way.

 

Most of my mental energy lately has been focused on parenting a teenager. Most days falling into bed wondering what happened to the girl i had last summer. I do my best and hope we come out the other side safe, healthy and happy.

 

Melancholy has been the theme this winter. Neither this nor that. Finding the peace in the unsettling and the joy in the sadness. Laughing when that’s all there is left.

 

The other day i was out for a walk with parker and a neighbor invited us to a party. He looked up at me and said “i like to party, but i always regret it the next day.” And that is the hilarious i find in the mundane. These kids. They are awesome.

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