you throw hope up in the air...
From the monthly archives:
It seems like yesterday. The day you were born. Your first steps, first words, first kisses.
You’re life, so far, has filled me with so much joy. Such a thrilling thing to watch you grow up. Teaching me with every step as i hope i teach you.
{ 1 comment }
I’m sick. I’m sick and that makes me feel tragic and grumpy. I want to sit in a bay window and lean my cheek on the cool glass and watch the rain fall on the other side. I want to be a romance novel.
I’ve been dwelling on mortality. On my long runs i run slide shows of my life through my head. I can hardly believe how many years i’ve already lived and how i have to struggle to remember the memories. I met shane twenty one years ago. I don’t know how that is even possible.
Sometimes i think about the big black space that is death. For a fleeting moment my mind completely grasps it and i have to brush it away. Quickly. It is a terrifying thought. I know we all die, but as the years in front of me don’t tip in my favour anymore i feel a need to live life better. To do it better.
Parenting messes with your head. My head. I am constantly, for fourteen years now, thinking of everything i could be doing better. Beating myself up for not baking cookies, making pie. I have four amazing, healthy, totally unique kids. They are creative and spontaneous, generous and kind. They are everything i could ever have hoped for. I need to enjoy this more.
Sometimes i miss the single-parenting days because i really had to focus on them when i had them. Fill their buckets full and then recharge and stress when they were at their dads.
I miss working nights. I miss being alone at the end of the night, just me and my thoughts and a big, empty restaurant. This 9 to 5 thing makes me crazy. Constantly running, catching up, catching breaths. Never a moment to just sit in the window.
{ 0 comments }
I don’t understand so many things and songs like this make me realize why.
{ 0 comments }
Shane turned 40 a few weeks ago and last Friday night we opened up our house to all of our friends, old and new. It was a coming out party of sorts. Our first get-together as a couple, again.
The summer gave one last gasp that evening, let the festivities carry on throughout and left behind a rain shower in the morning.
It’s been such a crazy few months. My cup overflows. Great satisfaction fills my heart. Work, children, health, happiness. I’ve waited so long to feel this way. This sense that everything is okay. No other shoe to drop. Life is just meandering along and i walk with it. Not looking back, not wondering about the future. Just happy to be right here.
As is customary shane has put music to his feelings about turning 40, not achieving everything he wants and being okay with it. He recorded another album over the summer called “High Achievers” and it is really, truly fantastic. My favourites are songs 5 & 6. Please have a listen.
{ 0 comments }
I sit here listening to the kids outside my window giggling and yelling while waiting for the school bus. How did that happen? Where did summer go.
It’s been a blur of work and weddings and running around trying to manage twenty something employees. Rewarding in so many ways. Yet so exhausting. I feel pride in my work in a way i never have.
But the consequence has been a summer that never was. The lazy days at the lake happened without me. That makes me a little sad, but i realize now, more than ever, that i am not built to be a stay at home mom. I’m better in every way when i get some fulfillment from employment. I wish i could get that from parenting alone, but society just doesn’t work that way.
{ 3 comments }