something else

I figured it out yesterday. Then i promptly forgot. I do all this great writing. It happens in the shower, in the car, when i’m drifting off to sleep. I write these magnificent flowing words. Long, draw-out dialogues that do perfect justice to the ramblings in my head. I think “brilliance!” I have to remember that. And i always forget.

I sort of remembered this morning. I’ve been rumbling around in my head. Trying to figure out where this melancholy that keeps coming and going is coming from.

Monotony.

I am frightened of the monotony of my life. Suddenly every single day is the same. I know exactly what to expect every morning when i wake up. Two hours training, groceries, laundry, dishes, make dinner, pick-up kids and go to work. On my days off i do all that and then spend the evening making up the evenings i’m not home by doing homework and trying to send love into their hearts. It’s all fine and good.

But, i was beginning to resent it. Is this living? Going through the motions. Doing all the things. Where do my needs fit in? Sure, two hours of training every day is indulgent and totally about me. But, that exercise is what keeps my head above water and, let’s face it, 90% of the time it’s not very fun. It’s self-indulgent and let’s me run races every couple of months that fuel me.

When i was single nothing was certain. My life didn’t look all that different, but i had no idea what the future held and that was… Well, it was exciting. Sort of. Sometimes the weight of that crushed me. But, sometimes, it was exhilarating. And i guess i’ve been missing what is right in front of my nose by indulging in that memory.

I’ve been missing the fact that my life is pretty much perfect right now. I have everything i need. I have more than almost every other human on this planet.