I have laughed more than i have cried. I got a new job, which i love. I ran four half marathons and ran a marathon as far as i could, 22 miles, and dropped out to find out how tough i really am. 22 miles on three stress fractures. I saw most of my favourite bands play live. I went to bed alone just a few times.
My children kept on growing. They blossom every single day and surprise me daily with their creativity. Here, at the end of the year, i think i have done a good job parenting this year.
I have less debt now than i did last year. I have shopped locally more often than not. I can’t remember the last time i ate fast food. I haven’t used a credit card in 2011.
Having a history. Oh i have a history. I type and type. I hit the delete button. Back and forth. This great desire to share, to help, to unfold the crinkled, tossed papers full of sad, sad tales.
I am a white knuckle driver. The endless highway unfolds stories, i have trouble breathing, the cars are surely going to swerve, send my body flying. Breathe.
The other day (windows down, music loud) i felt the chemicals in my brain begin to shift. For a period of time i felt the emptiness of depression begin to unravel. Pulling over i jumped out of the car. Slamming the door on bad thoughts. I walked across the field, feeling the sharp sting of cold, cold air on sad, sad lungs.
I often make the mistake of thinking all of that is behind me. I am happy. I am a runner. I am well.
Cracking icy puddles in my favourite boots i accept that one day i won’t be able to outrun that sickness. That my chemicals will someday get the best of me, again. I can laugh and i can run. I can love and i can cry. I can do all the right things and i can do all the wrong things. I do all those things very well.
Shane just finished a remix and a video for his song “Runner.” He made a regular mix and a marathon mix. The video was shot when we went to Vegas last December for me to run the half marathon. Funnily enough i’m off again on thursday to run the half marathon again. I’m going with a friend this year and i’m feeling really sad that shane won’t be with me…
