on the day of your birth

Dear Jess of October 15th 1991, you know that boy in Creative Writing who you have a crush on? In a few weeks you will kiss him and thus will begin a long and winding and, ultimately, fantastic relationship.

Knowing what you have in store i have a few words of wisdom for you.

~ In five years you are going to be married. You chose to have a very small wedding with only three friends in attendance. Two of them will be in your life for the long haul and will be faithful, kind and generous. Give them a big hug. Your grandma on your mom's side will be there too – this will be one of the last times you see her in good health. Tell her you love her. And maybe don't drink that third glass of champagne before you say "I Do."

~ In six years you will be pregnant. It's going to be confusing and scary. You are going to feel very alone in that apartment. Be gentle with yourself. Maybe try to eat a little less because you will also get gestational diabetes and put on a brave face, but those needles really suck. You will also begin your online life, you will make some friends that will be a very important part of your life for a very long time. You will be pioneers, one day soon there will be something called the internet and you will embrace it's escape from loneliness. The world is about to become much smaller.

~ In twelve years you will be the mother of four children. You won't have gotten much sleep for six years. You and Shane haven't slept alone in your bed for six years. You have been breastfeeding for six years, had three cesarians, and spent 23 nights in the pediatric unit at the hospital. You are exhausted, uncomfortable in your body and your life. You are about to become very sad. Jess, i don't know how to prepare you for this. Your life is going to suck for a while. A long while.

You are going to make some really big mistakes. You are going to flail about. You are going to fail at a lot of things. You are going to the hospital. You are going to lose your husband. You are going to either lose or alienate all of your friends. You are going to feel very alone. I'm scared for you, just thinking about it. Hold on tight.

~ In 2010 everything will get better. I promise. You have grown and matured. You are smart and vulnerable. You are strong, physically and emotionally. You will finally find the help you need. You will wake on the morning of your birthday to hundreds of birthday wishes from people all over the world who you can call friends. Shane will make you coffee. You will kiss him and tell him you love him on this morning and feel it deep in your heart. He will forgive you for breaking his heart. Your children will climb in bed with you one after another and kiss you and tell you they love you. Your life is full.