In my growing up neighbourhood my best friend had an outdoor swimming pool. That makes for the very best kind of best friend because outdoor swimming pools kick some awesome summer day ass.
When i was very young her mother taught me how to swim in that pool. I spent an entire summer having my mother march me over for lessons three times a week. My soon to be best friend was only five at that time and she could already swim. Really well. And there began a seven year competition with each other over every sport and activity. I think the only thing i ever did better than her was "go, go, stop!" She was that kind of best friend, the one you loved to hate or hated to love, whichever, she was good at everything.
This isn't the story of my best friend though. This is the story of her brother. Her brother was mean. I never really liked him. The feeling was mutual.
When i was somewhere around ten or eleven or twelve he was a much bigger boy, i think he was a teenager. I don't really recall. In my memory he was seven feet and three hundred pounds. One day we were playing a game in the pool, my friend, the brother and me. He wrapped his legs around me, pulled me under water and reached his hands in my bikini bottom. I struggled to get free from him and he just held me there. Under water. I thought i was going to die and adrenaline and fear ripped through my body with an intensity i didn't even know existed until that very moment. Panic.
I don't remember the rest of the story. I know i got loose and stormed home. That was the last day i had that best friend. I lost out on lots more years of friendship because of that unwanted groping. Childhood slipped away that afternoon.
All these little pieces of me, how i adore them.
I've been struggling a bit with what to write about. When i switched domain names i made a mental promise to not be a "mommyblogger" anymore. Sure i'll write about them sometimes, but not in detail. They are getting older now and i need to respect their privacy, let my children share what they want with the world. I had also grown tired of the "negative" words i seemed to read all over the place. I wanted this to be a place filled with hope, or at the very least have goodness at it's core.
Shane and i were talking the other night about writing and i expressed concern over ever writing anything that would hurt him. Hurting him is something i don't ever want to do again. But, that worry has held me back on a few ocassions from saying what i want. What i am feeling. Don't get me wrong, i don't want to come here and bitch every time we have a fight because, quite frankly, who wants to read that?
I guess i am in a strange place creatively because i am happy. I don't know how to write happy. I need two fingers left in a bottle of vodka, heart wrenching sadness and a broken heart to write the good stuff.
At least i thought i did. But that's just insecure bullshit.
I'm not sure where this state of emotional well-being is going to take my writing, but i'm going to figure it out. I know that my life is suddenly very good. That all the day to day problems are absolutely manageable. That i wake up happy every single day. That i am constantly in two uniforms – work clothes/running clothes – and even i am surprised by that. That the only thing we argue about is that cat up there who is actually quite an ass of a feline and whom shane keeps threatening to get rid of. But then i point out the rats he kills on a regular basis and we come to an impasse on the loud and annoying cat.
I know that this is a time to cherish and be thankful for.
I can't really tell if i'm being lazy, or if life is just really busy, but my desire to clean the house has left me.
Wow, big problems.
That? That makes me so incredibly happy. My biggest problem right now is that i can't find the enthusiasm to clean the house.
Life is really busy though. I go to physio at least once a week as we struggle to figure out what is wrong with my hip/pelvis/leg. I'm going for a bone scan and more x-rays to see if there is a stress fracture and check everything out a bit closer. If adrenaline got me through the half-marathon pain free then i should really find a way to bottle and sell that magic drug. For now i'm ignoring the pain and getting back on track with a tougher training schedule as i've signed up for a bunch of races including one in Vegas on December 5th. Shane and i are going together and squeezing in our first holiday together. I'm really looking forward to the time alone and running another half-marathon.
I have an awesome new counsellor whom i'm seeing as often as i can. I'm not sure what makes her so much better than all the rest, all i know is i can talk to her and she offers me good perspective and helps me to deal with stuff in a more mature and healthy way.
The kids are doing fantastic. They are thriving, facing challenges and, for the most part, leaping out of bed every morning with grins and giggles. We are trying to plan a family ski trip this winter. We haven't had a family holiday in four years and now that we are living as a combined income we have a little bit more wiggle room.
Life is good.
Dear Jess of October 15th 1991, you know that boy in Creative Writing who you have a crush on? In a few weeks you will kiss him and thus will begin a long and winding and, ultimately, fantastic relationship.
Knowing what you have in store i have a few words of wisdom for you.
~ In five years you are going to be married. You chose to have a very small wedding with only three friends in attendance. Two of them will be in your life for the long haul and will be faithful, kind and generous. Give them a big hug. Your grandma on your mom's side will be there too – this will be one of the last times you see her in good health. Tell her you love her. And maybe don't drink that third glass of champagne before you say "I Do."
~ In six years you will be pregnant. It's going to be confusing and scary. You are going to feel very alone in that apartment. Be gentle with yourself. Maybe try to eat a little less because you will also get gestational diabetes and put on a brave face, but those needles really suck. You will also begin your online life, you will make some friends that will be a very important part of your life for a very long time. You will be pioneers, one day soon there will be something called the internet and you will embrace it's escape from loneliness. The world is about to become much smaller.
~ In twelve years you will be the mother of four children. You won't have gotten much sleep for six years. You and Shane haven't slept alone in your bed for six years. You have been breastfeeding for six years, had three cesarians, and spent 23 nights in the pediatric unit at the hospital. You are exhausted, uncomfortable in your body and your life. You are about to become very sad. Jess, i don't know how to prepare you for this. Your life is going to suck for a while. A long while.
You are going to make some really big mistakes. You are going to flail about. You are going to fail at a lot of things. You are going to the hospital. You are going to lose your husband. You are going to either lose or alienate all of your friends. You are going to feel very alone. I'm scared for you, just thinking about it. Hold on tight.
~ In 2010 everything will get better. I promise. You have grown and matured. You are smart and vulnerable. You are strong, physically and emotionally. You will finally find the help you need. You will wake on the morning of your birthday to hundreds of birthday wishes from people all over the world who you can call friends. Shane will make you coffee. You will kiss him and tell him you love him on this morning and feel it deep in your heart. He will forgive you for breaking his heart. Your children will climb in bed with you one after another and kiss you and tell you they love you. Your life is full.