the time spent alone

While i was in New York i kept having this sinking feeling that i really am awkward, strange, weird. That the reason i always end up spending a majority of my time alone at these things is not a choice, but, a result of my personality.

When i step out from behind this screen, when i step out alone, i am terrified of talking to people. I still do it, but often end up creating a really awkward environment around me. So, i disappear. I wander around in art galleries and parks and wonder how to fix this. How to do it right.

I figure if i haven't learned yet i'm kind of stuck in this gangly brain of mine that thinks too hard and fast. That can't put the right words together to say the things i want to say. That over-thinks, over-shares and is outright all too sensitive.

I felt really overwhelmed this year. New York is big and fast and busy. Thousands of bodies and cars and tall, really tall, buildings. I felt suffocated by lack of space. Inside the hotel was a crazy mad dash of people and parties and noise. I couldn't find familiar faces and when i did i lost them in a sea of bodies.

So, what does it all mean? I really have no idea. Perhaps people don't see this in me. Perhaps it is all just some crazy reflection i am seeing. Perhaps this is the charm of me.