May 2010

After i dropped the kids off at school this morning i had the whole day ahead of me. Reading, writing, music, cooking, laundry, a run. I have really begun to enjoy these days, really appreciate this time alone.
Then my eye started to buzz and soon enough that familiar orb appeared in my vision and only got worse when i closed my eyes. Migraine.
I closed the blinds, turned off the lights and everything that could possibly make a sound and plunked myself down on my bed. I sat there in the dark for an hour or so. Willing it to go away, to not take too strong a hold.
I sat there thinking of the warm body that had graced my bed a few hours earlier, then the sleepy faced kids coming to wake me. Hugs and kisses. How the morning had given me such possibility.
How the day had been stolen from me by some biological blip that strikes a couple times a year without warning. I got my first migraine during my first pregnancy and they have come and gone ever since.
In that hour i let my mind wander. Not forcing any thought, just letting it bend and curl around thoughts as it worked it's way through the ache.
I did a dance through a lifetime and as my vision returned to normal i felt this mad passion rush through me. I am truly waking up from the past, what is it now? Six or seven years. I feel it all falling away from me. Coming home or getting home, i'm not sure. I just know i am here, i am really here. I am. Again.

{ 0 comments }

I woke up this morning with a bit of a heavy heart. I am sitting on the cusp of something really great. I'm sitting at this fork in the road, but i think of it more like those sticks we used to use as a kid to try and find water underground. Remember? I don't know if this is a universal thing or just some skewed memory i have from childhood, but i remember walking around holding this stick with two hands and when it bent down towards the ground it meant there was water down there.
Anyway, i woke up this morning feeling melancholy. Part of it because the weather has been really screwy. Hot and cold, sun and rain and hail and wind – all in the same day. I don't remember May being like this when i was a child. I remember shorts and scraped knees and kick the can. The sun shining bright while you were forced to bed at 8:30. It was all so awesome and unfair.
So, i'm sitting at this place. Again. My life could go in two very different directions and i know either one could be amazing. And either one could be really hard. And it made me miss my grandparents. I wonder about the thoughts they had when they woke up in the mornings. Was life easier for them or did they just make it look that way? I thought about my grandpas body, still sitting in the funeral home waiting to be cremated because there are so many dead people.
My life is half over now. That is so strange. I feel like i'm just getting started.
I was cold in bed this morning, so i didn't want to get up. Instead i made a list of all the things i'm proud of, which of course led me to think of all the things i'm not proud of. Which is a sure fire way to fuel the melancholy. I made a mental list of everyone i've known who has died and tried to remember the last time i saw each of them, my last interaction with them.
There was a girl i knew in highschool who died of cancer. She was one year younger than me and died in the summer of 1987. I don't remember the circumstances, but i know that when she died i felt incredibly guilty because my last interaction with her was something negative. Some stupid backhanded insult i made about the wig she was wearing. It was so cruel and i've never forgiven myself for it and it felt like i would have some kind of bad spell put on me for the rest of my life because of it.
It's the middle of the day now and i'm just barely out of bed – having stretched my body, warmed up in a too hot and too long shower – and sat down in front of this computer. Listening to songs on shuffle taking me backwards and forwards in auditory memories and dreams. Death is so strange. I miss all those people who have died and i already miss the ones who are going to die. It's strange to sit for a moment and think that.

{ 0 comments }

Thank you, every single one of you, for all the kind words, emails, texts and DM's. I wanted to do it individually, but it's just too much for me right now.
I took a week to process and grieve and be with my family and friends.
I feel much better about the loss of my grandparents now and am creating little memories in my heart and pushing out the sad.
I've been running every single day. Pounding gravel and dirt and pavement. Letting the adrenaline take me away.
I feel well today.
I just wanted to let you know how truly awesome your support has been. I really, really appreciate it and it gives me strength.
xo
jess

{ 0 comments }