you’ve shaken every part of me

I did my income taxes this morning. There's nothing better for a suffering self-esteem than making so little money that you qualify for the governments "gee, sorry you're so poor – here's a little extra for you *pat on head*." I know, i know. I'm lucky. I'm lucky to live in a country that does that. I own my own house, i feed and clothe myself and my four children. I am fortunate.
I am definitely riding a low wave right now. I'm trying to just go with it. Drink tea, stare out the window and listen to some melancholy indie rock.
I'm feeling a little stuck. I know it's time to find a new career. The late nights, the sleeping in, the stress of the restaurant industry – are all things that are not healthy for me. It's just so much a part of my chemistry. My body, for whatever reason, is tuned to this schedule. I love the wee, small hours of the night. I love sleeping through the ugliness of early mornings.
Plus, i actually like my job. I usually have fun and get real pleasure out of serving tables. I like having my days free to putter about. It makes the single parenting thing much easier. I know that working 9-5 and rushing home to make dinner and all the routines of the night after a day at work would be really hard for me. When i come home from work the house is sleeping and i can do all my late night rituals in peace. As a bonus, those two or three nights a week the kids and i have together are extra special and we really enjoy them.
I was talking to my sister about it the other night and we came to the conclusion that this isn't the time for me to make any changes in my life. I need to just coast for awhile. Relax into this home and this life. Let life come to me, stop letting it pass me by.