I went for a walk in the park this morning.
Things have changed for me recently. Events have made me want to curl up under the covers, pull my children close to me and whisper stories of adventure and friendship and love. To carelessly share a bag of chips, filling the sheets with crumbs. Hide away for awhile. Just be a family.
I am tired. I look tired. Time is showing in dark circles under my eyes.
I haven't taken any time off work for three years. I haven't had a chunk of uninterrupted rest and restoration with my kids in far too long. It's all because of money and that doesn't appear to be changing because everything keeps getting more expense even as our needs and wants decline.
I want to start exercising. I need running shoes and proper clothes to do that. But the kids needed running shoes too. So they got theirs and i will wait. I run around at work and am in pretty good shape because of that. That is how life is though, they come first. It's instinct, it's necessity.
I just want to be a better person. I want to be the person people see in me. I want to be on the inside what i project on the outside.
I have no friends. Well, not very many. I am tired of being alone all day every day. I want to muster up the strength and energy to be able to have people to my house. To share this summer with. To stay up late after the kids go to bed and chat and laugh by the fire.
I watched my feet as i walked over a suspension bridge. The water so far below. I feel like i am always on that bridge looking down at the life i could have but too scared of heights to jump down.
This is my new outside living area. I had a couple old and ugly trees taken down and in their place i built a little fire pit out of found objects. The bottom cuts of the trees are stools, bricks from the old pre-fire chimney make the fire-safe fire pit. I used some bricks turned on their side as both a border and as planters for flowering creepers. Some stone bricks served as stairs into the lower area of the garden with more brick borders and some driftwood from Savoury Island as decoration.
I used cheap gravel around the fire pit and one small bag of pretty coulored smooth rocks were tossed about.
We all love it and i anticipate much family time out here in the spring/summer.
I did my income taxes this morning. There's nothing better for a suffering self-esteem than making so little money that you qualify for the governments "gee, sorry you're so poor – here's a little extra for you *pat on head*." I know, i know. I'm lucky. I'm lucky to live in a country that does that. I own my own house, i feed and clothe myself and my four children. I am fortunate.
I am definitely riding a low wave right now. I'm trying to just go with it. Drink tea, stare out the window and listen to some melancholy indie rock.
I'm feeling a little stuck. I know it's time to find a new career. The late nights, the sleeping in, the stress of the restaurant industry – are all things that are not healthy for me. It's just so much a part of my chemistry. My body, for whatever reason, is tuned to this schedule. I love the wee, small hours of the night. I love sleeping through the ugliness of early mornings.
Plus, i actually like my job. I usually have fun and get real pleasure out of serving tables. I like having my days free to putter about. It makes the single parenting thing much easier. I know that working 9-5 and rushing home to make dinner and all the routines of the night after a day at work would be really hard for me. When i come home from work the house is sleeping and i can do all my late night rituals in peace. As a bonus, those two or three nights a week the kids and i have together are extra special and we really enjoy them.
I was talking to my sister about it the other night and we came to the conclusion that this isn't the time for me to make any changes in my life. I need to just coast for awhile. Relax into this home and this life. Let life come to me, stop letting it pass me by.
In the past few months i have been getting quite a few letters from readers. They are always so nice and lovely and wonderful. I never know quite how to respond and often just say thank you. Over the weekend i received the letter below and it was just too awesome not to share. Zombies? Awesome. Oh, and thank you Becki!
Hi, Jess -
I'm writing, as the subject line states, to fangirl you. I feel like an utter dweeb for doing so, but I'm driven.
I read your – entire – archives over the past few days, and…you're addictive, compelling, and so, SO real. It was amazing to watch your life and your writing style emerge and evolve.
We have absolutely nothing in common: I'm a childfree American writing a dissertation on zombie movies in a place 1,000 miles from an ocean. That's how I know you're badass: you must be, to keep my interest so intensely when we've so little shared ground. I am, though, a tattooed, overthinking woman who feels everything more than anyone else I know and lost her home in a fire once, so maybe there's that. And I'm (trying to be) a blogger – I shared my link below as a small offering for what you've given me.
Hope you're well and that this wasn't too creep-tastic. I guess I just want you to know that your words have meant a great deal to me.
Thanks,
Becki
staying up all night.
left the doors locked, come home they were unlocked.
can't sleep.
on twitter.
and camerabag.