it’s too late to change your mind

I went for a walk in the park this morning.
Things have changed for me recently. Events have made me want to curl up under the covers, pull my children close to me and whisper stories of adventure and friendship and love. To carelessly share a bag of chips, filling the sheets with crumbs. Hide away for awhile. Just be a family.
I am tired. I look tired. Time is showing in dark circles under my eyes.
I haven't taken any time off work for three years. I haven't had a chunk of uninterrupted rest and restoration with my kids in far too long. It's all because of money and that doesn't appear to be changing because everything keeps getting more expense even as our needs and wants decline.
I want to start exercising. I need running shoes and proper clothes to do that. But the kids needed running shoes too. So they got theirs and i will wait. I run around at work and am in pretty good shape because of that. That is how life is though, they come first. It's instinct, it's necessity.
I just want to be a better person. I want to be the person people see in me. I want to be on the inside what i project on the outside.
I have no friends. Well, not very many. I am tired of being alone all day every day. I want to muster up the strength and energy to be able to have people to my house. To share this summer with. To stay up late after the kids go to bed and chat and laugh by the fire.
I watched my feet as i walked over a suspension bridge. The water so far below. I feel like i am always on that bridge looking down at the life i could have but too scared of heights to jump down.