thank you from jess howard on Vimeo.
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From the monthly archives:
April 2010
I am sitting in bed, cozy under the covers, a cup of tea beside me trying to find the words. Find the words that could do grace to this past week.
My grandmother passing away has given me the opportunity to reflect on life and love and the sum of her experience and my experience so far. I am not a religious person but i have faith in many things. I believe that the energy my grandma had in this world is still here and i breathe it in. She is a part of me.
On thursday i made a long commute by car and ferry to my three month check-up for my mouth. I love taking the ferry. British Columbia takes my breath away and moving through the ocean humbles me. Makes me understand how truly small i am, that the world moves along without us, but that in turn we move the world. My appointment was good, i had some good news and no longer have to go every three months – every six months. I felt so thankful. It's not all better, but the possibility of improvement was given to me. A gift of hope.
On friday i woke up happy and content. At peace with myself. Something that i don't feel very often. When i went to the post office to check my mail i had four gifts waiting for me. An income tax return, a credit on my hydro bill and two amazing and generous surprises from two amazing women and readers of this blog.
My week was giving me small gifts. Small reminders that i have value, that i am worthwhile.
My grandma's celebration was supposed to be on the weekend so i booked friday and saturday night off work. Problems with travel caused the celebration of life to be postponed. I was given the gift of a real weekend with my family.
Throughout the weekend i took small moments to stop and be thankful. To remember my grandma and whisper softly to her. Yesterday, as dinner was simmering away, the kids were playing happily and Wilco played on the stereo i had a moment of shear joy. Bliss. The possibility of a full and happy life spread out before me.
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I have been thinking about bravery.
I have taken so many leaps of faith in my life. I wonder now how many times i have been brave and not, simply, blindly, leaping.
Each time i got pregnant i was surprised. I never, really, planned the when's of having babies. I just let fate take it's course. I believed in my body, that it would let me know when it was done with the babymaking. And it did, after my third c-section my body told me it had had enough, it needed to rest.
When we decided to leave the city behind and set up shop in a small community, we did it on a whim. Making an offer on the first and only house we looked at. Me seven months pregnant with our fourth child. Moving when he was just 8 weeks old.
When my house burnt down i didn't know what to do. I didn't think i'd make it through the insurance and the construction. I had no idea how to do it. But, i had to.
When i reflect on my life i see that i have been brave. I have stood tall and moved on, moved ahead, moved forward – despite fear and anxiety and obstacles. I am ready to take another leap, to be brave – to do something frightening, exhilarating and challenging. I can hardly wait to share it.
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This is eliza's room. It is the epitome of the perfect little girls space. The kids all chose their own paint colours for their rooms. This one is a sunshine yellow. Eliza was the only one who didn't get a new bed, but she did get that pretty quilt – a perfect place to rest her zillion stuffed animals. This is one of the rooms that wasn't damaged in the fire as it's in the back of the house and under a separate roof than the one where the fire originated. I had the floors ripped out and the drywall re-done and put the same dark laminate that is throughout the rest of the house. Eliza has asthma so it was important to me that she not have carpet (the little throw one that i can wash aside) and that she get new drywall in case any water damage did get in there from the hoses. She loves her room and takes great pride in keeping it clean and organized which makes me very happy.
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My grandmother passed away this morning. She was 96 years old and died with her husband by her side. He told her "it's okay sweetie, you got your wish." She wanted to die quickly and painlessly and as far as we know she did. She died two hours after going to emergency, not of any one thing in particular, just a shutting down.
She was a lovely woman who lived an amazing life and though i am incredibly sad i am happy that she lived so long and was able to witness all the lives brought into our family.
I last saw her at Thanksgiving. She had been in declining health over the past few years, but was always delighted to be at any family gathering. She called me over to sit beside her on the couch. She whispered in my ear that she was proud of me but was not sure about my hairstyle.
My grandma was born in Scotland and came to Canada when my father was just a young boy. She loved my dad with a passion, her only child. She adored him every single day, proud to her core of her son. I've tried to give my children that same kind of love because of her.
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