The kids are away for two days with their dad. I know that those nights without them are the hardest for me. The nights that i lose myself in this whirlwind of despair and loneliness. I try to always work on those nights. Keep myself busy.
Last night i had to be alone. No work. I was worried. Worried about the silence of the long night.
It was the first time i'd been in that situation, no kids, no work, no plans, since that horrible night in december.
And i made it through. It wasn't fun. It wasn't easy. I kept myself busy with laundry, cleaning, music and, of course, the internet.
I woke up this morning and thought about that; the internet as pacifier for my loneliness. And i realized i do have friends. I may not recognize you if i passed you in the street, but when i get a message at midnight that says "do you know how amazing you are?" That, that is enough, more than enough, to put a little smile on my face and give me the courage to turn off, to get myself to bed and to face another day.
I was at the fish and chips place yesterday getting a poutine to share with the kids. The fish and chip shop is two doors away from my house, they watched my house being built, they see the kids coming and going. They get to know us as we, in turn, get to know them.
So, the poutine. A yummy, heart-clogging, mass of french fries, cheese curds and gravy. A canadian, french-canadian, thing i am told. Whatever it is we enjoy it.
The woman who owns it was asking me if i work nights or days.
"nights." i said.
"That's nice, you get to spend the day with the kids and then dad steps in and does dinner and puts them to bed."
"Actually, no. I'm single."
"oh…. that must be so hard. I can't imagine…"
I get that all the time.
And it's not. It's not so hard. Being a single parent is mostly the same as being a stay-at-home mom. You do most of it alone. You work hard and nobody really notices or appreciates it.
Obviously the financial part is hard and we talk about money a whole lot more than we used to.
The hard part is not the parenting, it's all the other stuff. It's being alone that is hard.
Ready, set, go.
We have been negotiating the roads of boundaries. It is so much more complicated than it seems.
You get the internet dating, i get the kids for your date nights. You get facebook, i get spring break.
You know, you hear stories about couples who split and they both remain friends with the same people. I call foul on that one. I don't believe it. It's too complicated, at least for the first few years.
Perhaps because of the way we split, perhaps because my name and reputation was dragged through the mud, perhaps because i wasn't the favourite in the friendship equation. But, most of the people that were "ours" are now "his."
We try to be friends, he and i, but most often it is just too hard. We are friendly. And sometimes we aren't. Sometimes the kids get dropped off in the driveway and there is no hello in the kitchen. No friendly chat.
And there is this. This internet thing. They all read it. Girlfriends, in-laws, friends. They all know more about me than i do about them. Sometimes i wish i could just reach my hand through the screen and shake them and say "what you know is not the whole truth, all of this is just smoke and mirrors."
I find myself asking people i meet "please don't google my name, not yet." That's what we do right? We google people. And there i am. And now i think, maybe, maybe i have put too much out there.
Then there are the ones who understand. My friends who live this same life. The singles, the only's, the bloggers, the twitterers. I watch with interest as couple after couple form from this little community. That would be easier. I would understand, you would understand.
You throw hope up in the air and wish for it to find you. To find everyone.
If i take myself as a single entity, just me, hope is really all i have left.
Sometimes, like this morning, we have these nice conversations. Checking in, updates on children and legal papers, and we end up chatting for twenty minutes. It gives me hope that things are working out as they should.
It also makes me so sad. I miss him in those moments. Someone who listens to my brain dumps, offers good advice and understands. Gets it. Gets me.
One stupid decision and two lives are changed forever.
I hope that someone will find me. Someone will love me. Someone will understand.
I'm done with this sadness, this self.jpgty. It gets me nowhere. I want to rush at life, i want to get dirty, i want to stub my toe on the steps because i am running up them too fast.
I want to be scared, to feel the sting of rejection and then kick it in the shins, shove it to the ground and run away laughing.
I want to jump in the river, feel the shock of coldness and the strength of the undertow. Let it race me towards the ocean and drag myself up the rocky shore and fall in a heap of exhaustion.
I want to sit too close to the fire, let the sparks jump on me and slap them away before i get burned.