Working valentines day is cruel and unusual punishment. This is the third one in a row i have worked. Last year the attempt to reconcile my marriage was rapidly coming to a close. The final silent moments of a marriage banging around in my head while i served table after table of happy or pretending to be happy couples.
I don't feel bitter this year. I feel happy. I am happy with the place my life is at. There are many things to change and look forward to. There are gardens to grow and children to flourish. There is a home to be filled with love and kindness.
I have finally, i think, come to a place where i have forgiven myself. I have truly forgiven myself for mistakes i made.
It is not easy for me to say that out loud, but there it is. I am happy to have had the marriage i did. I am happy for the love that was there. The children that we had. The years that we shared. Good times and bad, it was a magical ride.
I was totally blown away last night doing parkers' homereading with him. In less than a couple months he has gone from being an emergent reader to a reader.
I know totally boring mom stuff, but the light switch moment of learning to read had been one of my favourite milestones for all my kids.
Very proud of him.
My house is warmed. Today, today, i feel all settled in. I can feel a shift deep inside me. I feel calm. I feel like i am at the starting line of something.
It's not a race. I don't feel a need to go anywhere, do anything. Just to start. To start again. It feels great.
I had a party on saturday night. I had such a lovely time. Sometime around midnight all my friends and co-workers had arrived and i sat for a moment and realized this is it. This is my life. There were only about 15 people there. And that was enough.
Before the party i was feeling anxious as i am want to do.
What if nobody comes? I don't have any friends.
But, there, in my kitchen around midnight i realized that these are my friends and they are more than enough. They are the people i care about. The ones who have stood by me through everything. The ones who don't judge. The ones who have seen me at my best and at my worst.
And i was happy to have them there. To share a little bit of a crazy night with.
I am still getting used to being alone in this house. Moving is hard on your soul. Your body has to adjust to new creaks and moans, different light, strange air.
I have moved six times in two years. I am tired of moving.
This house feels like home. It is home. I know that because we are all so happy to be here.
I got very sad yesterday thinking about a sixteen year old girl that committed suicide in victoria. I got an alert on twitter that she was reported missing and then, through facebook, found out later that day her body was discovered.
It really knocked me for a blunder.
Sixteen. Sixteen.
The first time i tried to kill myself by a lethal combination of prescription medicine from someone else's medicine cabinet i was only fifteen. I've never really talked to many people about that. I was so young. I wish in my adult mind that i had found help way back then. That some adult noticed what i did.
But, i was tricky then. I hid things well.
But, i was tricky then. I hid things well.
Obviously, i still hide things well.
I have noticed since december i have been unfollowed and unfriended by most of my local acquaintances.
I have noticed parents being more protective of their kids around my kids.
Oh god. I'm so sorry. I am an excellent mother and i would never do anything dumb with my kids around. Can't you see my struggle comes when they are not here? I understand.
I keep thinking of that little girl and her parents. Of her walking into that cold pacific ocean and swimming until she drowned. And reaching that point where you are too far in to go back. That terrorizing moment that you know you really did it.
I had that moment in december and there by the grace of god goes i.
My life is getting so much better.
I am feeling the impending arrival of happiness. I can hear it knocking on my door.
I love my house. I love it. I love being here. I want to just sit in it for a whole day. I want to be done with all the business of lawyers and insurance adjusters and the mess of moving.
I want to not feel such huge emotional attachments to events i have no control over or connection to.
Sixteen. Sixteen.
I couldn't, for the life of me, give you a photo that could articulate the happiness i feel.
I am so happy. I am so happy to see my things, to sit at my little antique desk, to have dinner at my table, to sleep in my bed with my sheets and duvet.
This has been the best week. So hard and so rewarding. I moved all by myself. My daughter was there and a huge help, but she is twelve. I did it all by myself.
I had some help from good friends with hanging up mirrors and what-nots, but everything else i lugged and organized and directed, and now we are here. All unpacked. Fire burning in the woodstove, dinner at the table, children snoring softly.
I know i have waxed endlessly about my housefire, but i didn't realize how it had affected all of us until we were here. We were out of sorts and lost for six months. We were not home.
And now we are.
And it is so much better than i could have hoped.
I feel great. I feel like i can move on with my life. I feel deeply, truly happy.