i think i could stay here awhile

I am still getting used to being alone in this house. Moving is hard on your soul. Your body has to adjust to new creaks and moans, different light, strange air.
I have moved six times in two years. I am tired of moving.
This house feels like home. It is home. I know that because we are all so happy to be here.
I got very sad yesterday thinking about a sixteen year old girl that committed suicide in victoria. I got an alert on twitter that she was reported missing and then, through facebook, found out later that day her body was discovered.
It really knocked me for a blunder.
Sixteen. Sixteen.
The first time i tried to kill myself by a lethal combination of prescription medicine from someone else's medicine cabinet i was only fifteen. I've never really talked to many people about that. I was so young. I wish in my adult mind that i had found help way back then. That some adult noticed what i did.
But, i was tricky then. I hid things well.
But, i was tricky then. I hid things well.
Obviously, i still hide things well.
I have noticed since december i have been unfollowed and unfriended by most of my local acquaintances.
I have noticed parents being more protective of their kids around my kids.
Oh god. I'm so sorry. I am an excellent mother and i would never do anything dumb with my kids around. Can't you see my struggle comes when they are not here? I understand.
I keep thinking of that little girl and her parents. Of her walking into that cold pacific ocean and swimming until she drowned. And reaching that point where you are too far in to go back. That terrorizing moment that you know you really did it.
I had that moment in december and there by the grace of god goes i.
My life is getting so much better.
I am feeling the impending arrival of happiness. I can hear it knocking on my door.
I love my house. I love it. I love being here. I want to just sit in it for a whole day. I want to be done with all the business of lawyers and insurance adjusters and the mess of moving.
I want to not feel such huge emotional attachments to events i have no control over or connection to.
Sixteen. Sixteen.