a moment, a love, a dream, a laugh

it rains in vancouver. it rains in vancouver ALL the time. i remember this from when i was young. i sleep a little better with that rain pounding above my head.
Let me think, let me get this all straight for you.
I went to my appointment on thursday afternoon in a building that my father and i both agreed seemed very post-apocalyptic, floor to ceiling glass for 8 stories. Leather sofas repeating floor after floor.
I was a bucket of nerves, had been for at least a week. All butterflies and irritable.
I filled out some forms at the "Mouth and Mucosa" clinic. Trying desperately to ignore those words, instead having them repeat in my mind over and over.
mouth and mucosa. mouth and mucosa. mouth and mucosa. mouth and mucosa.
The exam room was unremarkable, just like any other dentist office. I waited as medical students darted past the doorway, making deliberate sideways glances at me.
The doctor came in and we went over my referral, yada yada, boring. He has me put those coat hanger things on the sides of my mouth and pull it open like a turkey ready to be stuffed. They examined me using words like "very interesting." They took pictures with normal light, blue light and with my mouth died blue. Then they asked me to participate in a study, i said yes, which meant more scraping and taking of tissue and cells.
Then it was done. mouth and mucosa. mouth and mucosa.
It was done and the doctor sat down to talk to me. I am going to explain this as best i can. It is a little confusing and i have two doctors in my family helping me wrap my head around medical technology.
I don't have cancer. Good news. What i do have is some high-risk cell abnormality in my mouth that can be termed "dysplasia." How i understand it is thinking of a line. If "A" is a healthy mouth and "C" is cancer i am sitting at "B." I will never be an "A" again because to remove the abnormal cells surgically would result in a serious speech impairment or with lasers a high risk of aggravating underlying cells into becoming cancerous. So, the concern is that i have high risk cell abnormality and i am on a line that leads to cancer and that i am extremely young to have dysplasia in my mouth. The doctors have no concrete idea of what the rate of crossover to cancer is for this condition, hence the "Study" that i am participating in.
What does all of this mean? Well, it means that for the rest of my life i will hop on the ferry every three months and go through that same photo, photo, photo, scrape, scrape routine. I will be followed very closely and just wait and see.
Somewhat frustrating and somewhat a relief.
Thanks for all your thoughts, well wishes and prayers. I am heading home tomorrow and will begin my new years.