January 2010

We are moving in three two days. In two days we are moving into the home i bought last summer. The home that has caused me more stress than anything else in my life.
I know i have put so many other stresses into that home.
Everything would be okay if my house didn't burn down.
And that is not completely fair. My house didn't make my mouth all wonky. My house didn't make me file for divorce. My house didn't make me nearly lose my life and my mind.
But, everything would have been so much easier if my house didn't burn down. I can't really put words to the trauma me and the kids have felt these six months. Living out of suitcases. Waiting for what has seemed like years to be in our home.
I was waiting in line at the insurance office the other day and reading an ad about buying insurance and it said that 1 in 2750 homes burn down (in my region). And, at first blush i felt so bad for all those other 1 in 2750 people. Then my feeble mathematics brain thought in percentages and that's really not that many homes, especially considering how small my community is. And i thought; fuck, i really have some bad luck.
But this? This is a new beginning for me. I will move to my lovely, brand new! home and i will be happy there. I know it. Surrounded by families, in the heart of the community. I will find home.
I will find hope and happiness. And you have been there through it all. My crowd-sourced home. Thank-you everybody for looking at my pictures and offering advice. I truly feel like you, me and the internet built this house.
Now, do you have a truck and are you free wednesday and thursday?

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I've said before that the hardest thing about being a single parent is not the parenting. It's the hours they are not here.
Sometimes, the opposite is hard too. Last night parker woke up screaming and crying and when i even hovered my hand over his belly he would shriek out in pain. Tristan came running upstairs and comforted parker while i frantically searched on google for symptoms of appendicitis. She seemed so grown up in that moment. Softly soothing her baby brother.
My oldest daughter amazes me.
Parker was fine in the end, just a little gas. We all crawled into my bed together, parker in the middle, and settled in for sleep.
I think what amazes me is how all of my kids have become more independent, but at the same time we are more of a cohesive unit than we have ever been. It truly feels like we are a little team.

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I filed for divorce yesterday.
It wasn't a very good day. Sitting in a lawyers office, hashing out all the details of a life in two hours. The small details. All the negative things. No mention of all the joys. All the tiny moments that made up a marriage.
It seems like a lifetime ago that i was such a young woman walking through my parents backyard, between my mother and father, towards my soon-to-be husband. All giggles and grins and beauty.
The dress i was married in is hanging in my closet. It is still a beautiful dress. I hope one day one of my daughters will wear it somewhere.
I filed for divorce yesterday.
I have been feeling so lost since i walked out of that office. The final steps. I wish all of this could have turned out differently. I wish i could feel certain that this is the right thing to do.
Instead, i feel great loss. I feel immense sadness. I feel like nobody understands. I feel so much anger in the universe directed at me.
Did i do my best? No. I tried. I always tried.
I was interviewed last week and called myself a flawed human being. When i hung up the phone i cried. I know that we are all flawed, perfection is irrelevant. But, i failed. I failed at marriage. It is a horrible feeling.
My lawyer told me that this would be very hard. That i would feel all the anxiety and angst that i felt when we first separated. That i would feel bad.
I do. I feel very bad.

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I feel like i live in this constant state of neither here nor there. I am hoping that when i move into my home i will feel my feet sink in and have a place to push off from.
My house! It is almost done. There are floors and paint and a kitchen and just about everything. We are moving in in a couple of weeks. Excited doesn't even begin.
I am doing well. Pushing myself. Creating a life. Making plans. Going on an adventure.

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