I've been in a blank space in my head when it comes to writing. Stuck again in that rut of too much to say and no privacy with which to say it.
The problem with this public forum is the absolute publicness of it. It's not that i want to hide anything, it's the not wanting to hurt anyone.
As my life becomes more my own i find myself coming to an understanding of the past two years.
I have realized in the past few weeks i don't need your forgiveness. or yours. or yours.
I need to forgive myself. Something i am close to doing.
In my life i have never really been single. I have jumped from one relationship to another, often before the other was over. I emotionally detach and throw my heart into something else. It may be a new lover, it may be an unavailable crush, it may be an activity, it may be children, it may be sadness or longing.
I have never sat in a place where i am happy to just be me. Me without any ties to something that i need acknowledgement or recognition from. Even here. I have, at times, written with the express intent for a reaction.
That is not an honest place to be writing from.
The strongest words i have ever said have come straight from the heart without care or expectation.
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We went to the christmas tree farm this afternoon. After wandering around in the freezing cold all five of us magically agreed on the same tree. It was a christmas miracle.
We picked a tree that seemed reasonable in height and girth. Toby was the master of the saw and laid on the cold wet ground and sawed his little heart out. Tristan and toby carried the tree all the way back to the car while parker, eliza and i goofed around.
We managed to get the tree on top of my car and then in the house. I'm always a little proud of myself when i get something like this done. Nothing is that difficult, just ominous – especially when you are used to things happening with another adult around.
We did learn one valuable lesson which i think the christmas tree farm would be prudent to post somewhere, the lesson? Trees look much smaller outside than they actually will be when you get them inside your house and discover you are going to have to completely rearrange your furniture and possibly give up an entire room for said tree to fit in.
We also decorated the tree without any battle or controlling behavior on anybody's part. It was a great day.
This one is hard for me as i spend most of my waking hours working in a restaurant. I had a few really great meals out this year; including a mind-blowing indian meal in Chi-town with Schmutzie, The Palinode, Jennui and LetterB. But, it is hard to really enjoy the experience for me because i am so busy focusing on everything that is going on around me – how the customers are responding to the food, the atmosphere, the service – that i can't really sit back and relax. Kind of like buying a car when you're in sales or going to emergency when you're a doctor, but not really.
Anyway, my best restaurant experience was sitting at that bar, many late nights, after the restaurant had shut down and talking for hours with some amazing people. Accepting advice, good and bad. Laughing till i choke. And, sometimes, crying.
It was another great year at the restaurant and for that i am grateful because it is the one constant in my life.
Because this has been a year of many difficult events in my life i am going to throw caution to the wind this holiday season and focus on the best things about 2009. GwenBell is doing a blog challenge called "The Best of 2009." I am going to do my best to do every single one of them.
December 1st, 2009 – What was your best trip of the year?
I don't travel very much. I don't have the time or money. I would love to travel more and i plan to one day.
This year i visited many local spots – Tofino, Sechelt, Vancouver (several times), Parksville and Tofino again, but in the summer.
I also flew to Chicago for BlogHer. I love Chicago.
The best trip i had was to the beach, by myself, when i needed to catch my breath. It was late august and the magnitude of my house fire was hurting my soul. I wandered down with a London Fog and my camera. I sat on the rocks and watched the sun setting over SaltSpring Island. I lined up some stones, one for each difficult thing i was facing – a broken heart, a worry about my children, health, companionship, anxiety, stress – and i tossed them in the ocean. Closing my eyes and imagining something different, something better.
A new house, health, companionship, a heart that soars.
And for a while, even after the sun had gone down, i felt at peace with myself and brave and strong.