I have read many posts from people expressing their anger with 2009. It seems it was a year of suck for many people. One week ago i would have said the same thing, but i have been reminiscing and looking back over the past ten days and have decided that many good things happened in 2009 and i am going to quietly shut it's door with gratitude.
Not gratitude that it is over, but thank it for teaching me and allowing me to experience a year in a life with all of it's highs and lows.
2009 was a good year and 2010 will be too.
2009 thank you for:
~ Four great concerts, Wintersleep, The Killers, Kings of Leon and Band of Horses. Four nights that i went out with my closest friend, had a great dinner and a ton of fun.
~ Four healthy, happy, beautiful children.
~ Never spending a night in the hospital – any of us.
~ For my little corner of the internet. We turned a profit without ever taking a single thing for free or compromising our beliefs. – five years worth of my life, dirt and all.
~ Buying a new car, all by myself.
~ Buying a house, all by myself. Single mom and waitress. It will always be one of my proudest, personal, moments.
~ Living this year honestly. I had some great moments of family, adventure, friends and love.
~ All of you. You mean the world to me and have helped me get through some dark and lonely days.
I owe you all an apology. I am sorry.
I also owe you a thank-you. Thank-you from the bottom of my heart.
On saturday night i sent out a message on Twitter asking for help. It came out of the blue and was probably unexpected and scary. It was scary for me. I owe you an explanation.
As you all know i have had my problems with depression and anxiety. I was diagnosed as bi-polar in 2006. I was even hospitalized. I have been mostly better since then. I have had my struggles. I have had both joy and sadness in my life in all their intensities.
This has been a very difficult year for me. The end of a marriage, coping with being single and a single mom, buying a house and having it burn down and then having a diagnosis of cancer in my mouth.
All the stress has been rushing at me.
In the past month or two i have been slowly losing my grasp on reality. My heart has been slowly tightening and i have been pushing people out of my life. It is what i do. I push away and pull into myself. The push me/pull me of depression. Walking through my days in a haze, masterfully putting on my exterior mask of "just fine."
And i guess it wasn't okay. I wasn't okay. I was coping by occupying my time with kids and work. Avoiding being alone. I never wanted to be alone. Alone is when the heart crushing sadness took over.
On saturday night i was meant to work. I had the kids at their dads house. I had made no plans.
I had made no plans.
Then i got called off work. I knew, i felt it deep in my soul that this was not going to be a good night. This is when, if i was a reasonable person, this is when i should have called for help.
Instead i locked myself inside my house and a deep mania took hold of me. To the outside world all was fine. I watched a movie. I spoke on the phone with my ex-husband (shane). I downloaded some music. Then i spoke with shane again, sometime around midnight. We had a fight. I was hurt. I felt intensely guilty. Ashamed of who i was. Who i had become. How it had all slipped away and here i was alone, slightly drunk and desperately sad in my room on a saturday night.
I went in the bathroom and took a handful of sleeping pills. I didn't even think about it.
I didn't even think about it.
Then i looked in the mirror and asked myself "is this what you really want?"
"no."
That was when i turned around and took the rest of them. They went down in a chalky, messy choke. The power and speed in which those drugs overtook me was intense. I went back to my room and grabbed my phone and it was out of batteries. That is when i turned to Twitter. And i'm not sorry i did.
As i fell into unconsciousness i truly thought i was going to die. In a split second a flurry of thoughts went through my head.
you are a fucking idiot
look what you have done
people will be mad
my kids
my kids
my kids
it doesn't hurt right now
you're an idiot
This is when the internet saved my life. It sounds dramatic. It sounds silly even. I know that many people have judged me over the past few days. I have heard and read what you have said. Part of me agrees. But, truth be told, i reached out to my friends. The people who have stood by me through thick and thin. Have been there to listen to me cry through words and keystrokes.
The following 48 hours are a blur of sleep and love. Shane came and got me and swept me into his home, our old home, our family home. He held me while i slept it all away in the quiet sleep of a heart repairing, a mind preparing to come back and fight. It was the most intensely i have felt cared for and loved in a long, long time.
And then i opened my computer. And there it was. Hundreds, hundreds, of letters and messages from people worried about me. Instead of guilty i felt cherish. I cherish each and every one of you that sent me thoughts. I cannot even begin to respond to all of you and i am still not ready to talk on the phone.
But, please know, i heard it all and i am so thankful.
Thank you.
jess
Have you ever sat, sad and lonely, tried to masturbate, only to find yourself crying?
I do that all the time.
Have you ever sat by the fire watching a family movie, only to find yourself alone?
I do that all the time.
Have you ever sat in a restaurant eating lunch by yourself because you have no friends?
I do that all the time.
Have you ever sent text messages to find nobody responds?
I do that all the time.
Have you ever slept in an empty house with four empty beds where your kids should be?
I do that all the time.
Have you ever been really lonely?
I do that all the time.
I know when you have a girlfriend because you are wearing yesterdays wrinkled clothes.
And you are not aggressive with me.
Our brand new tent that packaged us on our camping trip to Tofino. It was our first trip there as a family and it was amazing.
I know you've got a heavy heart. I can feel it when we kiss.
I feel like nothing. People ask me how i am and all i can do is shrug and say "you know, just fine." That's the best answer i can come up with. Just fine.
I live a great life in a great place. I have children who are healthy and happy. I have a job. I have half a home that will soon be a brand new whole home.
It's just not enough. I keep thinking there must be something more. There must be something i am missing. Some ingredient for joy, some neuron that i just don't have.
I don't remember the last time i felt happy.
so many men stronger than me have thrown their backs out trying to lift it
I don't remember the last time i felt happy. How pathetic it sounds to even say that.
It just seems so easy for some people to be happy. I actually feel angry just being around them. What secret do they have. How can i get some.
When everything is lonely i can be my own best friend
I know what i am missing. I am missing companionship. I am missing coming home to someone who loves me. Who cares about the boring details of my day. Of my life.
Someone who can help me pick out paint colours and fold laundry and share a pot of tea with.
Someone who can look at me and know that i need a hug.
No matter how much i love my kids and spending time with them. No matter how much they enrich my life. No matter. It's just not enough.