get me to bed

We really do feel alone. We really do.
Over the yummiest soup, looking out at the lake, i wondered how far i could swim before i would drown.
It becomes a habit. This holing up. These days of offices in bed. The connection to all the people making you feel cool one moment and like a total failure the next.
I have this annoying habit of developing huge crushes on musicians. Something about words and music and feelings. With books and writers it's the words, not them. I have crushes on books, stacking my favourites beside my bed. Giving them loving looks and caresses as i fall asleep.
Those things you said about me were very mean and hurt my feelings.
I'm surprised when people want to be my friend. It surprises me and sometimes i leap in their arms and beg them to never, ever leave me. Other times i push them away by never answering their calls or requests, saying no to get-togethers and invitations. I'm surprised the friends i do have tolerate me. Especially when i call them or show up at their door in tears in the middle of the night.
I'm surprised how many of us are alone.