It's not vitamins. Vitamins can't fix a life.
Mondays are my very favourite day of the week. Well mondays and fridays. On monday and friday i don't work and i have the kids.
We have a very unusual custody schedule that involves plenty of back and forth. It allows me to spend both my nights off with them and means they only have a babysitter one or two nights a week. It also means i get to see them every single day as i do all the school picking up/driving maintenance stuff.
On mondays and fridays i make elaborate meals, catch up on school work and plan something fun for us to do.
Wednesday, thursday and sunday nights are my least favourite times because i don't have the kids. The house is empty, cold and lonely without them.
So, today was monday. The kids are all asleep and i do what i always do – wait till they are all sleeping and then poke around the house in and out of their rooms. Feeling foreheads, kissing noses and picking up stray lego bits.
It's funny, when they are not here i don't do anything around the house. I don't cook or clean. I don't even go in the kitchen. I work, i sleep and i sit in bed with my laptop. It's a waiting. A waiting for my family.
This past month has been a crazy one. Tons of working and not much else. Well, sadness and anxiety and worry.
I am feeling better today. I had some sort of epiphany over the weekend. Realized what was important and what was causing me stress. How i want my life to look and the hard steps i need to take to get there.
Most importantly i want to be happy and healthy.
I am not very healthy right now. I have a terrible diet. I even went more than a few days without eating this past month. That was my first clue that my life was reaching toxic levels in terms of my mental health. Waking up in the morning feeling completely depleted, realizing that i hadn't eaten the previous day. I wanted to eat, but thinking about it was overwhelming. Cooking was out of reach. Restaurants suck when you spend most of your time in one.
So, today i ate. I ate a lovely meal with my children. I ate lunch too.
I have also been feeding a sort of manic impulse to be bad. Not that bad. More of a fueling of pre-divorce rage. Raging against the dying of the night. Or something like that. Staying up too late. Hanging out with the wrong people.
All of this to say i am doing better. As for my mouth i have an appointment january 7th in vancouver where i shall get part of me cut out and examined and hopefully be on the road to a healthy body without cancer cells in it.
In between then i intend to have a mighty chawesome holiday season. Thanks to Jeremy for my new favourite word.
I have this uneasy feeling. This fluttering in my chest. I remember when fluttering in my chest meant i was in the presence of someone i was madly in love with. Fluttering now is part of my constant state of anxiety and sorrow.
I am so tired of being the bad guy in this town, in this relationship, in this conversation.
Going through a divorce sucks. It sucks you dry. The pulling apart of two lives. Some parts like crazy glue. Those years shared. Some of them really great, some of them really crappy. All the years in between where we just existed, like many couples do. Just getting through the days, the work, the children.
It has been over two years since we first separated.
For two years i have been the subject of gossip and assumption. Two years is a long time to hold your head high.
If i could have one wish it would be to go back to the day i made the decision to screw it all up and kick myself in the shins.
It's not that simple though. I would have to go back many more years and kick my ex-husband in the shins. Tell him to listen to me, to respect me, to help me.
And then i'd have to go back through all the years and kick myself a few more times and kick a bunch of other people along the way.
A life unfolds. Things happen, good and bad, mundane and thrilling. All of these events in my life that formed me. I remember them all. Separation anxiety, shoplifting, eating disorders, crazy crushes, depression, mania, date rape, death, abortion, drugs, alcohol, love, happiness, sadness, birth, children, passion, desire, heartbreak.
And the one person who knew me better than anyone else, who held my secrets in his heart and my heart in his hands is gone. Free to spill my secrets out to the world.
i am so tired of this loneliness
then answer your phone asshole.
i can't. i can't.
i don't know what to say. i'm afraid of what i might say.
he said you're making it hard for him
there is nothing i can do about that. all i can do these days is sleep, work, parent and sit in my bed and participate in this endless void of both heady and lowly banter. i don't have the mental capacity to even begin to address those words, the audacity of them.
you put your angel wing necklace on again
i need it. i feel at the end of my rope. i can't take another single thing.
i still have so many things to deal with before life becomes, even remotely, normal. i don't even know what normal might look like anymore.
i did kick parenting ass today. that was a start. and i took some vitamins. and i bought some decorations.
i am not going to blow this holiday season off. i am going to make it lake house awesome. all cinnamon and pine scented.
the phone is ringing. you want to talk to this person. answer the phone.
i can't.
I have been sick with the flu for three weeks. It has been really yucky. My oldest daughter has been sick that long too. (We each felt better for a few days and then it came back even worse.) My youngest daughter caught it on monday and i put her on TamiFlu and she was better in two days – get yourself some TamiFlu if you get sick.
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I weighed myself this morning when i picked up the kids and i have lost 15 pounds since the last time i weighed myself which was probably back in march when i lived in a house with a scale.
I weigh the same as the day i got married. I think i might try on my wedding dress which wasn't so much a wedding dress as just a really pretty summer dress. It probably won't fit as the distribution of fat on my body has changed radically as well as my bra and butt size.
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I met with the contractor for my house the other day. Everything is coming along. They have framed the main floor and put in the trusses for the roof. They are framing the upper floor this week and the roof should be on in the next two weeks.
It's getting to the exciting stage and leaving that depressing my house burnt down stage.
My insurance policy is completely maxed so we continue to negotiate on all the details.
The kitchen designer is putting an island in and a space for a dishwasher. Yowza! I just have to come up with the cash to buy one.
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My lawyer is not returning my calls. That is never a good sign.
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My daughter has now died her hair blue. And her body. And the bathroom. And her scalp is the brightest blue of all.
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The kids have been home from school all week and i haven't had a moment to myself. I had to wash parker's mouth out with soap this morning after he called me a "fucking idiot." Nice. I never thought i'd be the mom of the potty mouth kid or that i would be the mom who washes her 6 year old sons mouth out with soap.
We are driving each other a little crazy.
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The rowers on the lake have woken me up every morning this week. All bullhorns and shouting. It's kind of cool.
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Totally blew NaBloPoMo. Again. Oh well.
Have a lovely weekend.
Have some fun for me.
Send soup.