This week marks the first time i have all of my kids in school full time. I have about five hours alone. Every single day.
I am finding myself lost in this time. Unsure of what to do with myself. I clean. I do laundry. I even turned on the tv this morning and watched a few minutes of "The View" (totally do not 'get' tv). Bored after a couple minutes i turned it back off.
Even the computer is boring me.
I think i'm having trouble trying to figure out what i am supposed to do with time. I need to write a list. A list of thing to do, things to do for me. My new camera is not here yet, but i know that will take up some fun time and hopefully inspire me to start that new project i have been wanting to do.
I need to get past this missing of little voices in the house. I need to enjoy the silence. Sit and listen to what is happening in my head.
Reading a newspaper, I saw a picture of birds on the electric wires. I cut out the photo and decided to make a song, using the exact location of the birds as notes (no Photoshop edit). I knew it wasn't the most original idea in the universe. I was just curious to hear what melody the birds were creating. Jarbas Agnelli
The first week of school is wrapping up. We have started a new custody schedule with the kids. I now get to have them on all my nights off and one work night, which means a babysitter only once a week. I'm really excited about it.
I also pick them up from school every day, so not a day will go by that i don't see them. Perfect.
Parker has started grade one and it's been tough on me not to have a little buddy around for most of the day. Another strange and sad step in parenting. He is totally ready for this major change, he loves being around his friends all day and hanging out with toby and eliza at recess.
Things are coming together for the kids and i am so thankful for that. And i get to have them all weekend and i'm not working. Tonight calls for movies and yummy food and a family sleepover in the living room.
tell me does this mean you're moving on
this morning i sat outside a coffee shop across the street from my house, the burnt house (that's what we call it to differentiate from "new rental" and "old rental"), i watched as all the trucks rolled in for another day of work. stripping the house down to it's bones. before the floor was put back on over the new foundation we found a cat skeleton. all fangs and ominousness. from the balcony you call my name
i was sitting with my ex-husband, feeling distracted from conversation by the sounds of power tools and wood ripping free of nails. thinking about the strange irony i felt talking about divorce papers in the midst of my stalled future home. i get the strangest looks from that bitchy crowd
i saw a lawyer the other day to go over a separation agreement i stupidly signed two years ago without getting legal advice. it's not that i am unhappy with how we divided our assets, i just felt that i needed someone to tell me what my gut already knew. knew that divorce, even in the best of circumstances, is a messy thing. no matter how we form the words into legal jargon, someone is going to get hurt. someone is going to feel taken advantage of, but, it needs to be done. we need to wrap it all up into a tidy manila envelope that we file away amongst mortgages and wills. does this mean you're moving on
there comes a time, a morning you wake up and know it is time to move on. time to let go of all that love and anger. tuck all those memories of a life lived into your heart, somewhere safe and warm. somewhere you can let all the good parts trickle into memory and the bad things fade away.
*thank you Airborne Toxic Event for the music that has filled my heart these past few months.
