I finally feel organized. Money sorted out, appointments made, house clean, children happy.
And now it is my time. Time for me to become the person i want to be. Time to continue on my goal of challenging myself.
I have signed up for Mondo Beyondo in october. It's a nice, small step for me. I don't have to actually *see or talk* to anybody in person. I can't challenge myself too much all at once.
I also signed myself up for bookcamp in vancouver. Bookcamp happens to take place the day after my birthday, so it is my gift to myself.
I have this book rumbling through my heart and body. It has been knocking around in there for over a year and this is the year i'm going to spill it out onto page and paper.
Putting this all out there to create a little pressure for myself.
xo
I woke up early this morning and quietly shut bedroom doors to sleeping babies as i crept downstairs to light a fire and put on the coffee.
Shuffling around on cold wood floors, waiting for coffee to brew, listening to the cedar spit and crack. It feels like autumn this morning. Another change. I can hardly wait to put on my boots and wrap scarves around my neck.
Listening to Monsters of Folk echo off all the closed doors. I wander down to the dock, coffee steaming, fuzzy boots warming my bare toes.
The mist over the lake is magical this morning. The house is quiet behind me. Whose dog was that howling and barking over the lake in the middle of the night?
I want to sit in a cabin, all alone, with my thoughts. sit and listen to them until this all makes sense.
This house is beautiful. i can't shake the feeling of not having a home. i long for my things. i miss my desk. i miss my bed. i miss a house that feels like home.
September 22, 2009
in music
I have listened to the new Lou Barlow album streaming on NPR all day.
I have thought of my old friend Scott W. Gray. A boy i knew in college and have lost contact with, save for one middle of the night drunken phone call three years ago, sorry about that. I remember the first time depression seriously fucked up my life in 1994. We were both dj's at CFUV, the university of victoria radio station and he called me into one of the listening booths when the new sebadoh 7inch came in. "you have to listen to this." and i sat in fluorescent lights and broke down in hysterical sobs to this song.
And i have listened to that song over and over, over and over these past few years.
So, today i listened to his new album which is beautiful and perfect. And reminds me of those 13 years, or 14, or 15.
my beautiful friend
I wanted to write about sitting on my porch yesterday afternoon and eavesdropping on the girls sitting out on the dock, sharing secrets like sisters sometimes do. And the joy i felt witnessing this coming together. Their windswept hair and freckles in the autumn breeze, daring each other into one last swim.
And then, today, the music took over my mind. and i'm lost in it again.
Yesterday parker turned six years old.
He is my baby and he is so far from being a baby anymore.
Parker has really matured over the summer. His inner battle with anger and frustration has eased and as a result he is an even bigger joy to be around. I think this is mostly due to his maturing and developing and refining his skills and coordination. He can keep up with his brother and sisters now, even in verbal attacks on each other.
He has thrown out more than a few f-bombs in the past few months and his favourite "stupid-head" lingers on, but overall his anger is fast and furious now and he is able to move on quickly. Anger is fine, it's normal and given all the change in his life in the past two years i would expect him to have anger. It's when it lasts for hours and involves punching me that i object.
Starting grade one was a huge step for parker and he did it with enthusiasm and grace. Each afternoon when i pick him up he looks up from his place on the carpet and his face lights up and he grins so big, a mixture of pride and love radiating from him. I miss him madly during the day, but seeing him running around with friends and engaging in the classroom makes it a little easier.
Parker is by far my most affectionate child. He is full of hugs and kisses. Tightly puckered, full on "MWAH" kisses right on the lips. I just adore him.
I am still lucky enough to have him sneak into bed beside me a few nights a week. He always sleeps with one hand touching me on the arm, the same way he has done since he was a newborn. Of all the choices i made about parenting all those years ago co-sleeping was the best one for all of us, it has created a unique closeness that is so hard to describe.
Anyway, i love that little guy. Happy birthday parker!