Hello, is this thing on?
I have been away from the internet more in the past week than i have been in thirteen years. In october 1996 i joined a group of online, early adopter moms, who were expecting babies in june1997. That group changed my life. I became an internet geek through and through. Back then it was really difficult to explain how i had "online" friends. Now, so many years later, that has not changed so much, except i don't feel awkward about it. I have these amazing friends who i hope to see once a year, but our bond is tight as tight can be.
Anyway, i have missed you. For the first time i have been too overwhelmed to connect. I have had to have faith that you are still there. That you will be there when i return. Raw and drained.
And so, in a lack of d
This has been the hardest week of my life. Trying so hard to keep it together. To do everything that needs to get done. To sound like i know what i am talking about.
And it is everything in the midst of everything. It is busy enough already. I walk in the restaurant completely drained. I haven't slept in a week. I haven't had a decent meal. I keep pushing. I think i have aged 100 years.
I will now be old and wise.
The only thing i hadn't thought of was being angry. And someone asked me today if i was angry. And i said "no, not at all."
And then it pounced on me.
I am angry.
That is what has been eating at me. I am fucking pissed off. How could this have happened. My children screaming at me and then bursting in tears. Asking me why. "WHY" They want their home. The home we worked on. Shitty-ass oldness and all.
They were furious when they found out bedroom floors would be brand new, not plywood they could paint. We don't want the new modern house in our old house shell. We want the dream we started to build.
We don't see the silver lining.
We see dreams lost.
We see someone else's home that we have to move into. We see all our lovely things going into storage for six months or more. We see another delay on being the family we want to be.
So, my new house caught fire last night and there is extensive, huge, damage. Insurance is good and we will be fine.
I am a little devastated and, at the same time, frantically trying to find a place to live by next friday. I still have to move somewhere.
I am fried, burnt out. The fire started on the roof. A spark from a tool to insulation that smoldered until it burst into flame at three o'clock this morning. Water damage is crazy. The entire house needs to be gutted and the upper floor completely re-done. I will not pass the threshold for six months or more on my, what will one day -be again, beautiful home.
Thankfully, we were not moved in and we and all our precious things are fine.
So, you'll have to listen to me now, or go figure out who "wwbhjd" is.
Anyway, i curse like a sailor in my personal emails and letters. We swear like you wouldn't believe, in the kitchen, behind the scenes, at work. I never, except in times of extreme pain, swear in front of my kids. They already have one parent who does that, illustrated by parker chanting in the living room this morning "mommy is a fuckhead" over and over because i wanted to sleep for a few more minutes.
But, this home renovation on a shredded shoe-string waitress budget? It is kicking the shit out of me. For the first time ever i am cheaping out on tipping bussers. I am all "five bucks is enough right? right? the babysitter is going to be ninety and after tipping out the kitchen and the those fucking airhead bussers i am barely breaking even. Right. Five bucks it is."
The secret though, to making the stone cold cash, is to treat the bussers well because then they work twice as hard for you and then, in the end, you are way ahead.
But every dollar that passes through my hand now, every single dollar, it kills me if it's not going towards those renovations that will cost twice as much and take twice as long. That's the rule right?
But, i don't have twice as much and only eight more days.
A little crazy around here right now. One house needing to be packed up and made pretty for the next tenants, one house purchased needing much work and spiffying up. When i say old i mean something more like, nobody has done anything to this house in 50 years except a sloppy coat of paint. Everything needs fixing, or changing, or painting.
One day at a time. One thing at a time. It is the most stressful, yet rewarding thing i have ever done. I have been painting in the day and working in the night. My back is killing me. But, i move in next friday. I just have to make it till then and paint as much as possible before then.
In the meantime, i may only post photos. Like that one up there of my toby ripping nails out of old shingles as they are tossed off the roof.