Thinking back over this past year fills me with such depths of emotion. The thrill, returning from BlogHer last year and knowing that i was ready to try and rekindle my marriage, kickstart an epic romance.
And when we did that dance of "should i shouldn't i" we found ourselves sitting face to face on the balcony late at night. We poured out or souls to each other. All of the regrets. All of the apologies. We held each others hands and committed to our best shot. Toasted to the promises that we made each other in 1995 on our wedding day.
A few days later i posted an infamous post on twitter "yo, married again." And we were greeted with thunderous applause. Everywhere we went people congratulated us, were genuinely happy to see a family reconnected.
But quickly, too quickly it started to change. The love changed. As i watched each leaf fall from the trees last autumn i felt like little bits of hope were dropping from my life. Doubt turned to fear and fear turned to anger. By christmas we were living as roommates, almost as strangers. I would look at him across the table in the morning, at dinner, at counseling and wonder "who is this man?"
The love we had, the love we hoped for, the love we wanted seemed beyond fingers reach.
And suddenly i realize i am going to BlogHer again in one short week. And i am not married again.
I don't know where to start. It's been a ten days.
So, i'm trying to buy this house and it has involved many complications that one would expect buying a house that was built in the 1800's. Yes. It is that old. I have vibrated from love to hate one thousand times a day on this house. People say buy it. People say it is worthless.
This is my home. I feel it in my bones when i walk in the door. I feel it in the paintings. I feel it in the children that have grown up here. This will be my home. I will grow old and die here.
At the end of the day, i know i love it. It is me and i am so comfortable with old homes, none of the fear even bothers me. What bothers me? The lot size. I only have twelve years of child support. I got no compensation for my half of the family business. I can't be a waitress in twelve years; even though it is a 25 year mortgage. All the things the bank keeps coming back at me with.
Whatever. Can't they see my potential? Simple answer, no. I gave all that up. I gave up my potential to have children. To have a family. I didn't expect to be completely alone for ten years of my life raising four children. And i bailed. In a hurtful, horrible way. I bailed.
Whatever. I am at this pissed off stage right now.
I was at the dentist today. The first time in ten years. I've been busy okay. No cavities! But, he turned to me and asked what could cause this "event" in my mouth. I didn't know. I asked drinking wine? Smoking? (sorry) "No, you're too young" "I've never seen anything like this in someone so young."
And he referred me to two second opinions. One a cancer doctor and one, i dunno, something else. I lost all thought at that moment. There cannot be something wrong with me as horrible as mouth cancer. Oh please no. I keep saying it is nothing, but how did i not notice that? in my mouth? under my tongue? oh god, fuck, please let it be nothing.
I am tired of accepting all the blame. Oh i could tell you stories. But i choose not to.
Whatever. Can you smell her perfume?
Why hello. I am going a little crazy trying to buy this house and get a bunch of freelance work done, as well as, you know, job and kids.
Give me one more day and i'll be back unless i self-implode first.
1. community celebrations where i realize how many people i know and how thankful i am that my job has made me part of the community.
2. living in a country where we enjoy food and water at reasonable cost.
3. living in a place where my kids are safe.
4. living in a country where we can still make fun of ourselves.
5. customers wishing me "happy independence day!"
Seriously, i feel among the luckiest people in the world to be born into such abundance. I am proud to be canadian and plan on telling my kids every single day how lucky we are.