Yesterday Eliza turned 8 years old. This is the fifth time i have written a birthday post for her in these pages. She has grown from the cutest red-haired toddler to an amazingly strong and independent second (almost third) grader.
How our lives have changed in these four years.
And she has changed. Gone from the little girl who cries every morning before school to the little girl that cries for different reasons and loudly voices her frustrations with the world and skips happily at other times.
Eliza is a complicated little girl who feels her emotions to the core. In many ways the separation of her parents has been hardest on her. She likes to be certain of what is happening, thrives on consistency. Needs to know the details of what is happening during her day. Every morning when i drop her at school she stops on her way to the school doors, turns around, and asks "mommy? will you see me at recess?" I try not to get frustrated with her need for clarification because her world has been anything but certain for a few years. "Yes eliza, i see you every recess."
"I know. Bye mommy. Love you."
I love you too eliza. My little mini me. Sometimes i feel guilty for passing on these genes to you. The worry and anxiety. But we will work through it together.
You amaze and thrill me. Make me proud. I am so excited to watch you grow. To have the great honour of your love.
In an effort to make my life a little more beautiful i have been creating a living environment that is full of things that make me happy. Things that feel good, things that smell good, things that look good, things that look good on me.
I was just outside snipping some lilacs from the hundreds of blossoms in my yard. Inside i gently arranged them in a vase and a glass. As i walked away i noticed my arms were covered in little black spots, closer inspection showed my arms covered in a bazillion little black bugs. Now i can't stop squirming and jumping in my own skin.
damn.
1. Parker telling me over a shared bowl of soup "when i grow up i'm going to get an axe and live with you forever and chop down trees."
2. Shopping at the Sally Ann with tristan and watching her come home and tear apart all the clothes and put them back together in funky style with her sewing machine.
3. Toby pushing me for two weeks straight to let him have a paintball party for his birthday.
4. Eliza spending her first hour of every day writing a letter to her fairy.
5. Being able to ignore drama and personal insult directed at or written about me.
It has been a bit of a rough week, a rough patch. It's bound to happen. Things have gone from friendly to courteous. I suppose it was imminent, but losing a friend is hard.
I find myself calling on strangers to help me solve dilemmas because i have no one to chat to. I sit in the evenings stressing about money and car purchases and what the hell do i do moments.
It's the little things we miss right?
It's the big things too. Not single parenting. That's the big one. The five days i have the kids are full of chaos and rushing and oh my god we're late again! The days are long when i work in the evenings and they are long for the kids too. School and homework and babysitters. They have the weekends to recharge, but not with me. I'm so anxious for summer to get here so that we can spend the days together. It's so close, but the four weeks to get there are daunting and large.
In september they will all be in school all day. No more back and forth and back and forth. My last four weeks with one of them home with me most of the day. Another milestone passing. There aren't many more. Graduations and boyfriends and girlfriends.
I am feeling a little melancholy. A little what the hell happened here? A little stressed. But, this too shall pass. It always does. It's just the getting to there part.
Today would be my fourteen year anniversary.
The biggest thing that i struggle with is that shane feels like our life together was useless. That he lost everything. That everything was pointless.
I have seen more live music in my time than the average person. The single, best, live show i have ever seen was Alejandro Escovedo. It was probably 1994. Right before i got married and right after i suffered through a debilitating depression. There were only a dozen or so people at the small venue in victoria, but it was amazing. At the end of the night Alejandro got off the stage and sat in the middle of the dance floor with his acoustic guitar and performed "Thirteen Years". A song about his wife of thirteen years who committed suicide. I have never forgotten that night and i think of that song often, though rarely listen because the magic of that evening is hard to reproduce.
And now i think of that song in a different way. I hope that one day it won't feel like a waste of time.