your eyes are the size of the moon

I have been trying to write a post all day.
I don't know how to say what i need to say without hurting people.
The days are hard and the nights are hard.
Moments of clarity strike me with incredible sadness and braveness. I feel everything all at once. Reading to parker tonight, him smelling lovely and lavender after a bath. I was struck with my intense love for him and, at the same time, the sadness.
"I love you parker" i said in between chapters of Magic TreeHouse. "I love you too."
Our days together are such a grab bag of emotions. We flow through them. The kids cruising between intense emotions, expecting me to follow their abrupt changes. It is harder for me, an adult. I can't love and hate in a single minute. Their outbursts weigh heavy on me. And they come often and in waves. I am left exhausted at the dinner table. Trying to deal with it all, and deal with myself, and not lose my patience. And let's not forget that internal fear of not being the "better" parent. My house is a hovel compared to their other. I feel i need to make up for it in love and fun. Though i lay awake at night knowing that is crazy. That they are lucky to have two loving homes. Two parents whom adore them.
I lay awake at night wondering how all this happened. Writing entire novels in my head. Working it all out, making sense of it.
I wake in the morning at a lost for words because i am lost in words.
The prospect of dating looming in my former husbands mind and so far from mine. The prospect of another life with someone else is unfathomable to me. I feel lost in this.