The kids and i planted our first seeds in the vegetable garden yesterday. The weather has made an almost alarming turn to heat. Hot, hot, heat. The kids have been rallying me for the first swim in the lake which i will probably attempt tomorrow after school.
I have been thinking about patterns in relationships. How the pattern, in my experience is more like a spiral. Starting at one perfect point and then slowly, unevenly, rotates outward from that. Usually, you kind of see that you're off kilter as you get towards the outside of the spiral and head back towards the center.
I think that my pattern of behaviour has been to jump ship. Abandon the sinking boat.
I've been wondering why i do that. The counselor would have said that it is all to do with something, some loss from childhood. A fear of being abandoned myself.
I'm not sure what it means to figure this out. I'm just trying to figure it out. It's been such a hard couple of years. I feel like so much time has been lost. So many possibilities destroyed. I just want to move forward understanding the backwards.
Shane has been working hard recording an album of songs he's written about our journey over the past two and a half years.
He has two songs available for download right here.
I would love everybody to go and have a listen because they are really great songs, he's very talented and everybody needs a little encouragement.
I have a bit of a cold which is making me sleep deeply, but crazily. It has been a bit of a strange week at work, mostly because of the chef getting fired one hour before service on wednesday and then launching a new menu last night.
My sleep Has been filled with workmares of the very strangest variety. The one i remember most vividly involved one of the tables being replaced with a washroom without doors. I walked out of the kitchen and was horrified to see a customer sitting happily on the toilet in the middle of the restaurant.
Odd.
There were several dreams of the usual variety which involve me falling asleep in the middle of service.
I don't really mind these strange dreams except that i wake in the morning feeling like i never leave the restaurant.
It has been a time of loss and grief on the internet. I am so saddened by the losses of both Maddie and Thalon. Beyond words and appreciating my abundant gifts at the same time.
I took several hours and moments over the past few days to enjoy my children, and also to try and capture a little bit more of them on video.
I have been trying to write a post all day.
I don't know how to say what i need to say without hurting people.
The days are hard and the nights are hard.
Moments of clarity strike me with incredible sadness and braveness. I feel everything all at once. Reading to parker tonight, him smelling lovely and lavender after a bath. I was struck with my intense love for him and, at the same time, the sadness.
"I love you parker" i said in between chapters of Magic TreeHouse. "I love you too."
Our days together are such a grab bag of emotions. We flow through them. The kids cruising between intense emotions, expecting me to follow their abrupt changes. It is harder for me, an adult. I can't love and hate in a single minute. Their outbursts weigh heavy on me. And they come often and in waves. I am left exhausted at the dinner table. Trying to deal with it all, and deal with myself, and not lose my patience. And let's not forget that internal fear of not being the "better" parent. My house is a hovel compared to their other. I feel i need to make up for it in love and fun. Though i lay awake at night knowing that is crazy. That they are lucky to have two loving homes. Two parents whom adore them.
I lay awake at night wondering how all this happened. Writing entire novels in my head. Working it all out, making sense of it.
I wake in the morning at a lost for words because i am lost in words.
The prospect of dating looming in my former husbands mind and so far from mine. The prospect of another life with someone else is unfathomable to me. I feel lost in this.
