heavy with the hurt

It's been two weeks today.
I knew it was going to be an emotional journey, the first few months. Though i've been here before, separated and single, it is tougher this time. It is tougher because it feels final. Permanent.
The change seems permanent and i can't help feeling like a failure. I failed at marriage. I failed at trying to rebuild a marriage. The reasons it didn't work are simple on one level, but deeply rooted in pain and damage on the other level.
Shane and i have been getting along very well. Too well. We do better – we are nicer to each other, we love each other more – when we aren't together. Sigh. It's a complicated thing, always reminding me of the fine line between love and hate. Anger and passion.
I am trudging along, head toward the future. Small accomplishments. Getting the kids to school on time, making nice dinners, getting all the homework done. Managing the house, keeping the fire going for four days straight, keeping my children safe and warm. Turning on my happy self at work so that i can make customers happy and they, in turn, can make me happy by giving me enough money to buy some more wood.
Things coming around again and again that will push me through this transition.