I've been thinking. (Surprising, i know.) I've been thinking about how i communicate.
The marriage counselor said i have a problem with shutting down/closing up. That is true, to an extent. Conversation is, and always has been, very difficult for me. I think that's why i have gravitated towards writing. It is much easier for me to write down what i think as opposed to tripping over words and hearts swelling in my throat.
My mind works so quickly and rapid fires between thoughts. When i let go and just talk i often end up making no sense, or worse, saying things i don't really mean. Or saying them wrong.
I suppose i am scared of confrontation. Does anybody like confrontation?
When faced with strong emotion i shut down. It's not a choice, it's more of a physical reaction. I am scared of hurting/being hurt. I feel like it is a safety mechanism. I take words very personally. I drive people crazy by remembering finite details of conversations forever. I remember every word that has hurt me.
Last year when a customer confronted me at work i argued with her for a moment then my whole body started shaking and i started crying. Right in front of her, in the middle of a busy restaurant. It was humiliating because i knew she was wrong, but i couldn't stand up for myself. My body had a physical reaction that i had no control over.
I have failed at so many relationships because of my inability to express myself verbally. Even at BlogHer conferences over the past four years i have showed up eager to see friends, yet unable to join in on conversations because of a deep fear of saying the wrong thing.
It is easy to be friends on the internet because my words and thoughts flow quite freely through my fingers. I find it easier to be me.
In real life though it is difficult to have communication over a coffee table via instant messaging.
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
I totally understand. I often say things that just sound bitchy or hateful, and I hardly ever mean it the way it comes out. I have had to practice what I say to my friends in order to not offend people, and even then I frequently do not offer input for fear of saying the wrong damn thing. I wish I could live through the computer many times b/c I just feel better that way. I rock when I write, when I open my mouth stuff just gets all messed up.
I agree. I often regret the things I say out loud, but I’ve never regretted things I’ve written. Keep on trying…..
Perhaps you should try friendfacing? :) (from The IT Crowd)http://www.channel4.com/programmes/the-it-crowd
Or you could just watch it. It’s funny! I do hear you though…writing is a much better medium to express yourself. Although I don’t have a visceral response like you, it is difficult to talk to people (especially during confrontation). So, basically I just stick my foot in my mouth and apologize later for being an ass. :)
this post is very timely and touched me. i am not good with confrontation either and find myself faced with having to DEAL with it tomorrow. I am dreading, but found comfort in your words and the reminder that it’s not easy for anyone. I’ll wish you strength if you do the same.
May I please comment on the failed relationships where you and I are concerned?
The first year I met you, sure, I licked you. Party because I had been teasing everyone about it and party because I knew everyone would miss the photo opportunity (because I’m fast like lightening) and party because I wanted to shock you. Oh, yeah, and partly because you’re ridiculously cute.
We had fun that first year and I’ve not stopped reading you or emailing on occasion or even talking on a rare chance on the phone! Two years ago when I saw you as you were making your way up some stairs we had a really warm hug (not at all awkward! maybe because I’m this big girl who enveloped you? I dunno!) and I could tell you couldn’t be around people so I made sure to look you deeply in the eyes. A signal, perhaps? Meh. I just took the chance I had to look at you and I can still see your image burned on my retinas.
You are a friend for all times. I am a friend who is willing to just have you as you are. So if it’s mostly internet where I get to experience you, it’s because when your words shoot out of your fingers and drop on this page I am a better woman for knowing you. You make me in awe of how you react and interact. You’re kind of ridiculously fantastic, you know that?
Nope.
Which is why I keep saying it.
Dude. I wrote “party” instead of “partly”. TWICE.
I’m in California and not in my time zone, I’m having Sudafed induced delusions, and I thought my intent was clear. My spelling is not. Oops!
xoxo
I seriously just copied part of this and IM’d my best friend with a note that said, “Who does this sound like?”! It sounds exactly like me!!
I would rather write anything than to have to face someone and actually talk about something… especially the sticky, nasty “feelings” conversations! I would rather write how I feel and then let them respond.
Something else on a funny note… I have been reading you for a long time now… and I may have commented/emailed once and then “delurked” once but typically, I read, then ponder, and then go back to work…. I realized today that this is my second comment this week!! Wow! I am getting brave!! :)
I so understand your feelings. And I hope that you get through them, because then, perhaps, I will too.
I’m SO with you.
Confrontation is hard, but it can be a constructive thing as well. Without naming and discussing an issue, it’s not possible to make progress and understand the other person’s point of view.
Communicating via written word is way easier than in person. But I had to laugh because I was having trouble writing the response I wanted here….lol Damn, even the written word is hard now. So I decided to write my ‘meta-comment’. I figured it was better than nothing.
I’m glad you have a blog.
I relate so much with this post it hurts. I’m much more extroverted, but the feelings underneath it are veeeeerrrrryyyyy similar. (The crying in the restaurant? Done more times than I care to remember.)
I accosted you briefly at the nightclub @ BlogHer and you were lovely. Sure, we didn’t say a whole lot but it was really great just to say hello. :)