Man, this daylight savings thing is really kicking our butts. We have trouble getting to bed, we have trouble getting up, we have trouble not being cranky.
This morning i woke up to silence at 8am. Nobody was awake yet. Being the slacker mom i am i immediately thought, meh – let's be late. I fell back asleep for a few minutes then all four kids came and joined me in bed. We giggled and laughed and taught parker the monkeys in the bed song. Pushing each of them out in fits of laughter.
It was nice. I like it when mornings start slow and relaxed with a nice moment of tenderness, it sets a good mood for the day.
It ended abruptly this morning as i felt guilty for being so slack and anticipating the "look" from the principal as i shuffled them into classes late. I rushed through a shower, shouting as i got in "20 minutes!" Then yelling again every five minutes till i was slinging my bag over my shoulder and rushing out to the car.
As it turned out my time and their time had not met when i jumped out of bed. I had started the morning slow and easy and then jarred them into rush mode. They didn't adapt. They were not ready. Socks weren't on, homework hadn't been found, lunches sat on the counter. And i snapped.
I found myself honking the horn like a lunatic in the driveway, feeling my blood pressure rise as i watched them scramble to find everything through the window.
I hate it when i do that. I set the tone and then i screw it all up by expecting them to behave like me. To get themselves ready in a blink when they are just kids – whimsical and slow.
I ended up pulling over to the side of the road halfway to school and apologizing for expecting too much from them and telling them that it wasn't fair of me to let them sleep in and have fun without explaining that we would still have to rush.
All of this to say daylight savings is a stinkeye.
You know
love is complicated.
Factor in youth
and children
and money
and family.
It's the chains that bind you.
Or the chains that divide you.
Love is unpredictable.
Love is always great.
Love never lasts.
Love in that starry way.
That i would die for you way.
You have children.
Everything changes
you would die for them
if you are lucky
But, in the end,
none of us are lucky
because when you open yourself up
to monumental love
you are lost in it.
For the past two weeks during counseling i have looked out the window to see a hawk take off from a tree and fly off towards the mountain. The view is stunning – rolling hills and snow capped mountains in the distance. The tree the hawk takes off from stands tall above all the others. When thoughts are swelling in my heart i look out there to gain some composure.
I sit in counseling, my heart pounding loudly in my chest, and my stomach growling loudly and nervously. I sit with my hands in my lap, the fingers of my right hand holding tightly to the skin between my thumb and pointer finger of my left hand. When i feel tears welling up i pinch that skin as hard as i can, trying to create enough pain to distract my mind from the weight in my chest.
Counseling is hard. So hard. I struggle with wanting to shut down, to just walk out, to not show up. Wishing i was that damn hawk flying freely.
Wishing that life was not so damn hard. I don't care who you are or what you have done or suffered – life is hard. It sounds so self-indulgent to say that. But each night as i lay in bed i think "that was a hard day. I wish i could have made it easier. I hope tomorrow will be easier."
I hope that i will make someone laugh, i hope my children will have a good day, i hope i can summon the energy to participate actively in this life, i hope i'm not sad, i hope i'm not lonely, i hope i can have a real conversation, i hope my kids will tell me they love me. I hope.
And i sit in counseling and listen to all the things i need to change in myself or else i will continue to fail. To fail at relationships, to fail at happiness, to fail at life. And i sit there and think i may have failed some people, but i have not failed myself or my children. And i think" how is this helping?" How is this helping me, highlighting the broken.
This morning i dragged parker along to an ultrasound appointment. The technician looked put off when she saw i was bringing my five year old son in with me. I just told her "he's used to being towed around with me."
He sat quietly on a chair intently looking at my organs on the screen. I told him that when you are pregnant and have an ultrasound you can see a little baby up on that screen. I could see wonder in his eyes. He was riveted.
As we walked hand in hand through the parking lot afterwards the questions started, including that lovely one; "how does a baby get in there anyway and what does the man have to do with it?" Time stopped in my head for a moment as i pondered the answer to the question factoring in his tender age and the easiest way to stop this conversation quickly.
So, i told him the truth in plain facts and opened the car door and plopped him in his booster. As i was walking around to the drivers side of the van i heard him giggling and talking to himself.
As we drove away he said "i'm NEVER getting married." I explained that you didn't have to be married to have babies. He paused. "I'm NEVER moving out."
1. people that send me snarky emails as opposed to actually commenting.
2. people that quote philosophers.
3. eyebrows plucked to nothing and filled in with pencil.
4. when my dog or cat has poo stuck on her bum and then scoots around on the carpet.
5. when, by accident, i touch the rim of a glass that someone else has been drinking out of, ditto for plates and triple ditto for people who leave snotty napkins on the table.