you throw hope up in the air...
From the monthly archives:
Things will be wonky for the next few days as the deliciously lovely sweetney makes some design changes and upgrades for me.
She has started a new business with some other cool bloggers called Sweet Blog, check it out for all your site maintenance and design needs.
I'm in vancouver with the kids right now, so this will be good timing. I'll be back home and here on friday.
xo
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It's been a week of firsts.
First sleep in the new house, first sleep in the house with the kids, first day alone. First grocery shop where the financial reality kicked in and the kids and i had to leave a cart full of groceries behind as i had mistaken the day the child tax credit went into my account.
First tears, first laughs.
The reality crashing down on me yesterday after i dropped the kids off that i was really here. Here in this house.
First walk to work, embracing the sunshine and collecting thoughts as my legs worked out the winter kinks.
There is nothing easy about all of this. This time feels so final, so definite. I am trying to think of all the positives; the vegetable garden waiting to be fed and seeded, the lovely windows looking out at the lake, the super comfy bed i bought myself, the friendships i will need to grow, the friends i already have – both here and there, the time to work on personal and professional growth.
Time alone is a good thing, i need to find comfort in solace and love in myself before i can find it anywhere else.
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And so it is over. Tomorrow i will be moving out.
It is all very sad and heartbreaking and truly ending with love and a whimper.
Shane is a wonderful man, tender and loving. He is a wonderful father and has been a great provider for our family. This family will always be our family. We share a great love for our children. They will always know that. We have worked out custody arrangements that maximize both of our time with them. We will spend holidays as a family – birthdays and christmas and what-not.
We are both walking away hopeful that we will always be friends, that we will both be able to be happy again someday.
I am reading the new Wally Lamb book "The Hour I First Believed" and it has been incredibly tough to read during these past few difficult weeks. But the reference he makes to the chaos theory in it really struck a chord with me. Somewhere, three years ago, a butterfly flapped it's wings and sent my world into chaos.
I am hopeful that after the initial shock and sadness wears off my world will become calm again. I understand that it has been hard to follow what is happening in my life because of my many vague references and wailing tweets, but i have tried my best to respect the privacy of my family while trying to write out all the intense feelings i have been going through.
I am eternally hopeful that my kids will also, after their grief subsides, see that we put our greatest effort in. That each of us did everything we were capable of to make this marriage work. That we will always share a great love and that love is our children.
I won't write about this again.
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I'm sitting here thinking of all the things that are driving me crazy, lego bits in the laundry, listening to my daughter play mary had a little lamb over and over on the piano, the broken flower pot. But really what's driving me crazy is this limbo my life is in.
Not here, not there.
For months i have been waiting for something to change. Listening over and over to all the ways that i have destroyed something. A heart can only be under attack for so long before it gives up. Packs the bags and moves on.
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1. chubby legs and bare feet sticking out from under a laptop computer.
2. wearing all black while sitting on a bench on the first sunny day of the year.
3. sleeping in every day for the whole two weeks of spring break.
4. crocuses popping up in the garden.
5. toby bringing home a report card filled with improvements and pride.
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