Wherever you are in love, I want to be that whisper, that antidote to the Am I doing it right? Did I blow it? Will it ever happen for me? and say, Where you are is good. Start here. It's imperfect and it always will be. It will be fierce and ordinary and torn and mended again. We will circle back and start once more. The goal is not some happily ever after, but a happily ever now. from Andrea at Superhero
And so here we are, a silly holiday that's sole purpose is to make a lot of us feel like crap. Single or not, happy or not, most of us will be disappointed today.
You will wake up in the morning and your expectations for a gift, a gesture, something that you had set your heart on receiving, will not be what you wanted. You will be disappointed.
Tonight when i come to your table i will try my very best to make it the perfect dinner you hope for, but i can't fix all the hurt you have felt, bring back those perfect moments, ensure that everything goes right. Perhaps your martini will not taste exactly like your memory holds it from that time, that perfect night you remember so well in your memory of taste.
It's all expectation. Perhaps, if we learn to expect less, hope for more. Be content with what we have. Learn to love ourselves. Perhaps, we can accept that love is not always a great thing, not always worthy of a celebration. Love is hard. It tears us open, lays our heart on the floor, pins it up on the wall for darts to strike it. We are lucky to find love in all it's complication in our lives. Ebbing and flowing, reminding us that we are flawed and alive.
February 13, 2009
in work
So, i'm feeling much better. No more medicine for me. The side-effects were unbearable and, quite possibly, making me completely insane. I had to remove myself from the computer because i was turning into a crazy ranting lady and, really, who wants to witness that?
Life, as it is want to be, has been completely crazy. Just staying two paces behind myself is a challenge.
This weekend is looking to be a doozy. Every seat in the restaurant is booked from now through sunday night. A good thing. But, not an easy thing. I am predicting "excellence" to be replaced by "survival" sometime this evening.
And then, at the end of the night, long after the last customer has left, the dining room set, the dishes washed, we will sit around and go over all the details of the evening and laugh at the mistakes and clink our glasses in preparation for the next day.
*** BONUS! Brand new Bon Iver song.
Okay, so there's this DJ on the radio who has a blog. I have a crush on his whole family (even though he NEVER plays my requests) because they are young and happy and in love and exactly where i was ten years ago. They make me wish i appreciated what i had when i did. Jeremy did this meme on his blog last week and i'm going to do it too, though i think his is much better because *he* wrote it.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Let?s see how much you remember!
1. Was your first pregnancy planned? Sort of. I knew that i wanted babies and it just sort of happened. That whole pull out method doesn't really work, you know?
2. Were you married at the time? Yes, 18 months.
3. What were your reactions? Freaked out and happy and thinking i had to quit smoking.
4. Was abortion an option for you? Not the first time around, but by the fourth… we talked about it.
5. How old were you? 26
6. How did you find out you were pregnant? i peed on a stick, twelve times, then just to make sure did it again at the doctors office.
7. Who did you tell first? Shane. I don't remember who i told next, but i do remember shane flying to vancouver to let his family know, i think they have forgiven me for THAT mistake.
8. Did you want to find out the sex? I did, but i didn't. I wanted to buy stuff, but was paralyzed by not knowing. So ended up bringing a baby home to almost nothing.
9. Due date? June 13, 1997
10. Did you have morning sickness? No, just nausea and then diabetes and four months of insulin.
11. What did you crave? Burritos from Taco Time.
12. Who/what irritated you the most? I was working at the newspaper at UVic at the time and everybody i knew in the SUB was all like "how much weight is she going to gain?" I think i scared most of the university kids with my baby rack and belly.
13. What was your first child's sex? Girl
14. Did you wish you had the opposite sex of what you were getting? Nope, for sure wanted a girl first so that, at least, something was familiar.
15. How many pounds did you gain throughout the pregnancy? Tons! 80 pounds.
16. Did you have a baby shower? An awkward one full of indie rockers.
17. Was it a surprise or did you know? I knew.
18. Did you have any complications during your pregnancy? Gestational diabetes, group B strep, forceps delivery.
20. How many hours were you in labor? Waaaay too many. 47 hours.
21. Who drove to the hospital? Shane. We stopped on the way to get a chocolate milkshake because i knew the diabetes would soon be gone.
22. Who watched you give birth? Lots of doctors and nurses all yelling "push jess, push!!!" It was a little dramatic at the end and we needed that baby out of there.
23. Was it natural or c-section? Natural.
24. Did you take medicine to ease the pain? Everything i could get.
27. How much did your child weigh? 7lbs 6oz.
28. When was your child actually born? June 7, 1997 at 1:06 am.
30. What did you name her? Tristan Thea
31. How old is your firstborn today? 11 1/2
Every morning after i drop the kids at school i stop at the little community grocery and buy a large tea, loaded with sugar and milk. My stomach has refused the coffee i used to love and has switched me to the gentler buzz of earl grey.
This morning as i pulled in there was a large group of a dozen or so men loitering outside, coffee cups in hand and smokes dangling from a few mouths. Their mood was melancholy, but one of camaraderie. Friendship. I walked through the crowd feeling a little self-conscious among so many men. As i paid i made a comment about the group, that it was like a men's club meeting. She told me it wasn't a happy thing. That a man had died last night on the icy highway. He was one of them. A contractor, a developer, a worker. Ralph. They were all in shock.
I glanced through the windows again. Noticing something different. They weren't actually chatting. Just standing around in small circles. Bewildered and dazed. Unsure of what to say. Somehow they had all converged on the little store. The store where, in this small town, we all stop on our way, to or from, here or there.
Each wandering through as our lives fill with struggle and success, joy and sorrow. We know the faces of the people we pass. We know his brother, his son, his cousin. This is life in a small town.
February 9, 2009
in grace
Having had a four year reprieve from any major allergic reactions in Eliza it was a frightening weekend of emergency room visits and hives the size of baseballs all over her body. When i picked her up from school on friday her torso was covered in angry welts. We had no idea then what she ate that caused the reaction and four days later we still have no idea. She is on a high dose of prednisone that is slowly working, though she continues to break out in new hives.
1. benadryl.
2. caring teachers that keep a very close eye on my daughter.
3. family doctors that bump us to the head of the line on our third visit to emergency.
4. getting to spend large amounts of time with my beautiful, youngest daughter who's calmness amazes me.
5. coming home from the hospital to find three goats grazing in the yard.