you throw hope up in the air...
From the monthly archives:
1. in the hot tub with his grandfather he says: "grandpa you have boobs. huge ones!"
2. "know what my two favourite parts of my body are? my blood and veins because blue and red are my favourite colours."
3. "mommy i love you like ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS."
4. "mommy you are a poohead."
5. "i want a new bike and my birthday isn't for like A THOUSAND YEARS."
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1. taking my kids for a night in a fancy hotel in victoria.
2. that moment when you get out of your chair and realize that counseling is over for this week.
3. snow drops blossoming all over the yard.
4. having short hair because i get to have cuts and colours every six weeks, constant change.
5. stubbornly refusing to try the alligator at work, giving in and then having your fears confirmed as you spit it back out and give the chef an "i told you so" look.
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I have been pondering this small town life. When i wrote about a local man passing away i had no idea how close that death would circle in on my life. It turns out that he was a childhood friend of a co-worker. He was a friend to many. For a few days everywhere i went people were talking about it, memorial notices posted in coffee shop windows, clerks at the beer & wine store in tears. His memorial service had hundreds of people. He was respected, he was liked.
We pondered aloud at work last night how many people would come to our memorials? How strong are our tendrils in this community?
I know that for me living in a small community has many advantages. Mainly that my kids can live in a place that protects them from growing up too soon. We are not hundreds of miles away from civilization, we are a thirty minute drive from a reasonably large urban center. They will have plenty of opportunities to find mischief. For now, they are content to be kids for a bit longer than children their age in large cities would.
Living in a small town also has it's drawbacks. People know you. They know where you work. They make assumptions. They love to gossip. Last year when my marriage fell apart i felt the fissure as the community split. Sides taken. Secrets told. Assumptions made.
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I've had a tough few weeks. Having four kids is once again stretching me to my limits. Trying to take care of all their needs and desires while fitting myself in there somewhere seems a task too difficult to even attempt. I, as most mothers, place my needs last the majority of the time. As such i often burn the candle at both ends and come crashing down in exhaustion every few months. This has been one of those months.
I have a few minor health concerns that are resulting in a multitude of visits to doctors and labs. Nothing major, but serving to make me aware of my own mortality. All the ways i could be treating myself better. Of course, being a worrier or storyteller, i keep imagining the worst and then kicking myself because, my god, there are so many people that are dealing with illness and struggle that i couldn't even imagine.
Trying to find grace in small things right? Although that whole exercise seems too cotton candy pink, sometimes i need to focus on the small things so that the big things don't drive me crazy.
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My thoughts are a random jumble.
I had the strangest dream last night that i was out on a date with Anthony Bourdain and i was terrified the whole time that i was going to have to eat some gelatinous, half-cooked, fatty, fleshy thing that i couldn't wrap my head around actually hanging out with him. The whole dream was me avoiding any place that looked like it might sell food, so much so that i woke up pissed off at myself that i missed an opportunity.
Valentine's weekend went by without remark. Well, there was that couple on sunday night that sat with their bodies angled away from each other and at the end of the meal she looked purposefully away while he sat with his face in his hands.
Eliza has had lice twice in the past few weeks. I think i have lice by proxy given all the head scratching going on.
I got the results of Toby's psycho-educational assessment last week and, as i expected, he scored in the gifted range for the majority of topic areas. Except for reading and writing which he scored exceptionally low. He has an official learning disability diagnosis which will allow him to receive the extra help he has so desperately needed for years. If i can get him through school without too much trauma i am sure he is destined for great things.
My lovely friend Kelly has continued to amaze me with her strength of character and ability to speak out and speak up on issues of race and equality.
Another good friend is in the finals of a contest to win a trip to BlogHer. Do me a favour and go vote for her.
I'm sorry for my random thoughts. Life has been awkward and tiring. My heart won't let my fingers find the right words to say everything i need to say. I am just letting it wait. Letting the skipping beats slow down.
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