fine, devine, benign, resign

2009. Here you are. I thought things would be different by the time you got here. I thought that if i had a whole year without depression things would be a lot more rosy on january 1, 2009.
Well, to be fair, it is january 2nd and the first thirty six hours of 2009 i spent a great majority of working. The last push before the slower months set in. Ironically, on january 1st i made more money than i did on any night in 2008 – a good sign i think.
So 2009, let us start again. This year i want to continue on a positive mental note. I have been off medication for nine months now and have, to be honest, noticed very little difference, save for the anxiety. Anxiety has been a little wacky, but a friend told me to try holy basil and it has helped immensely. (Also, activated charcoal for my anxious tummy) I want to do things to promote a healthy mind/body balance this year.
I have one major personal goal in relation to healthy body and that is to hike the westcoast trail. I plan on doing this in the early fall. I did half (or less) of the trail when i was twelve with the Junior Forest warden troupe i belonged to. I like the idea of the challenge, the danger and the beauty. I'll need to train for a couple months before hand. I might be a little big-headed, but i have great stamina and i think i will be able to do it without begging for mercy at any point. Last september i ran 10 kilometers with the kids one morning without having jogged for years prior.
I have one personal goal with regards to artistic development and that is to finish the book proposal i started last summer AND write the book. At least a first draft. I have an awesome story in my head and i need to get it out.
I have one goal in regards to mental health and that is to eat better, sleep better, drink better. I eat well when i do it, but often skip meals because of time constraints and find myself starving at midnight. I don't sleep well. I have nightmares on a regular basis that cause me to have moderate anxiety in bed. I also still have parker sleeping beside me and he keeps me up for several hours a night. I don't drink enough water during the day and then find myself playing catch up in the evening which results in many trips to the bathroom through the night (back to sleep again.) I have worked on moderation in regards to alcohol consumption, but have been slipping back into bad habits under the stress of marriage 2.0. I need to make some changes there.
In general i don't want to make any huge plans for this year. I still feel like my future is very uncertain and many things still need to be changed in my personal life. I need to communicate my needs and be honest with myself and others about what i really need and want. I have some major goals for my kids, but i think i'll write them out separately.