Thanks to schmutzie for that title.
I have been struggling in small and large ways recently. I vacillate between anxiety, paranoia and calmly accepting this life. At times i struggle with this feeling that the world is out to get me. That no matter how i try, how hard i work to be a good person, how i trudge forward to a better future – i am simply not capable of being the person the universe needs me to be. That i am doomed to a life of loneliness.
That when my children are grown i will be left an empty shell with no past, present or future.
I know that my children are, in many ways, my life's great work. I know that they are and will be amazing, generous, complicated creatures. But, will they look at me and wonder why i never did more. Why what i had was never enough.
I have always struggled with trying to be content with being a mother, a homemaker, a wife. Many women live happily in the privileged state that i exist. There is a home, food, clothing, toys – everything we could possibly need. Yet, i have wanted more. I want more.
I want success in something that i can wrap my fingers around. Something that will be respected and appreciated. Most of my twenties and thirties have flown by in this whirlwind of family. The shiny faced university graduate full of expectation and promise got lost. Now i approach middle age and i have not accomplished any of the things that young girl hoped to.
I have watched and supported my husband as he has turned drive and determination into a successful business. I think i am not alone in resenting this common position in a marriage. He has both the children and home and the success and respect from peers.
Doubled up with that is the frustration that if i was a middle aged man returning to the workforce my possibilities would be much less limited. It was not my dream to be a waitress. I do enjoy it. I love food and the mysterious dance of dining. I am too old to become a chef. It's hard enough for female chefs to garner respect or status, restaurants do not hire beginner chefs older than 35. It doesn't happen. It is a young man's game.
I don't even particularly want to be a chef. It has been one of many occupations i have rolled around in my head and crossed off a mental list.
I am frustrated. I wonder if being a mother was a socially respected and status garnering occupation i would feel any differently.
Every January past, present, and future can kiss my flat, white ass
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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
I don’t know if this question is worth anything… but why does respect, appreciation and status matter do you? Why does it hold worth? Are you allowing a nebulous “others” to define your success or position in life? Are you, by proxy, putting wether or not you feel you are worthwhile, wether or not you are happy, in the hands of “others”? Nebulous others who have absolutely zero invested in your happiness whatsoever?
I know it’s common, and I know it’s a very human thing to do, but I question the wisdom of it. I personally, would rather invest my energy in deciding what I want to define my success, wether it be learning something new, devoting my time and energy to a particular cause, or anything at all. Not because it is going to be appreciated, noticed or respected by anyone, but it is how I want to define my success.
thank you for sharing your thoughts on this issue. it’s particularly interesting to me, because i am on the other side of this… i have kept working, and kept advancing in my career, but i really wish that i could be home to spend more time with my daughter. my working full time was really more of a financial decision (my husband is a grad student, so i am the breadwinner) but i envy that the two of you were able to make full time mommy-hood work for your family as long as you did. i guess the tricky part is finding a good balance between the two… some way to keep involved in a career choice (if one so chooses) without giving up so much of the family life.
You’re a writer and a poet who loves music. How about becoming a songwriter? ;-)
http://www.ultimatesongwriting.com
Yeah.
Just…yeah.
amen
I can completely understand where you are coming from and would feel exactly the same way. In fact, I can see this happening to myself soon if I don’t stop worrying what is right in society’s eyes and do something for myself.
It’s funny, but I think I am approaching what you are talking about slowly but surely. I am 28 and I can feel myself missing out on opportunities and I know I should act before I lose out, but it’s very hard to figure out how. What are my options with two little ones and little education (and I can’t afford chidcare and my husband is sick)? I have been thinking about these things a lot lately and I am glad that you put your words out here (because I am not as articulate you see). I can’t imagine that many mothers have not felt some resentment at one time or another. I do know that this year I want to find something to fulfill me. I am fairly certain however that your kids will look back on your life and see the things that you did as strong and important and valid. I don’t doubt that my kids will.
Delurking late by the way. I rarely comment anywhere anymore, but your blog made me pop out of my blogsleep.
Oscar Wilde said “Discontent is the first step in the progress of a man or a nation.” I will never understand those people who reach a point where they are just “content” because content implies no moving forward, just standing still. Standing still, to me = death. Why live your life as a dead person? Personally, if you were my mom, it would be a huge inspiration for me to see you constantly looking, contemplating, striving to achieve more. My mom gave up on herself a long time ago, and her life is positively pathetic. Don’t stop searching, Jess. Because when you find it? You’re done. DONE. What else is there after DONE?
The grass is always greener on the other side. Somtimes I just want to be a house wife and stay home with my kids, but unfortunetly we need the income and since I am the bread winner – off to work I go. I wonder if anyone is truly happy with everything in their lives and our lives are over in a blink of the eye!
My goodness, my house is bugged and you were listening in. I just had this same conversation (cry fest) with my husband. Same words, same concerns, same want for something tangibly successfully mine. Two kids, 42, master’s degree and no hope of getting anything other than a greeting job at the local discount store. My husband asked me, why can’t I feel the fact that I am significant without it coming from my job? I am the humor in the house, the love in the lunches, the spirit of freedom to be so imperfect and yet still loved in our family. Who else could bring that to this life we call ours together? So, I have pondered that…. have felt lifted by the thought that just me in being myself already is significant….and I can take my already significant self and apply my energies to a job sometime in the future (post kindergarten for my littlest). So now, when I needlepoint, I’m not thinking what a wast of time, what a nothing I am sitting here on my butt. Instead, I’m thinking that I am significant sitting here needlepointing :). The thoughts have indeed impacted my emotions and the angst has lessened. Like Clio, I will not stop planning and contemplating my next achievements,(a second language, tap dancing, illustrating a book, writing a column for the local paper) but I am right here, right now significant. Thank you for your honesty. Not many moms have the guts to state these feelings that motherhood leaves with some (most?) of us.
I my view, this is how it goes.
Passion should drive all choices always.
Following the path of least resistance is the only path.
If the universe doesn’t want you to go there it will try to stop you……..many times……many ways.
Look for the signs they are always there. Lessons are meant to be learnt. The universe will continually send you the lessons, UNTIL YOU GET IT!
Learning to relax and letting yourself follow the signs is extremely fun and interesting. Everything happens for the better. Believe it first. Hindsight is 20/20 but foresight is called manifesting.
People that you meet will lead you to where you are meant to be. EVERY TIME! When we meet someone, look for the reason, it is always there but remember, it will be about you.
Live , learn, heal, share, smile. (In that order)mix it up a bit juz for fun!!!
Cuz really…….we all jus wanna be big rockstars!
I have had the successful career and now after 25 years of working like a dog am mostly home with my 8 year old boy. And what I did before…. is kind of forgotten by others. I know how you feel. I feel that way, too.
Yes. That’s all – yes.
As usual, your post is so timely for me. Tomorrow I will be offered an amazing job. Me. The stay at home. The unmarketable mom, who took ten years off to raise kids.
I am struggling with leaving my kids more often. Travelling. Working late. Really really caring about my work.
It’s always been a no-brainer for my husband. Go. Do it. She will pick up the slack. Who will pick up the slack for she?
A husband here. I get the angst and empathize with the conflict mothers feel. It’s the modern challenge women face.
I would like to present the other side: it’s not all roses and beer for husbands. I’ve felt deeply disconnected from my family at times, felt burdened with immense pressure to provide, and at times felt largely unappreciated for it all.
From the man’s side – you basically work hard trying to do right by your family and your woman, and if you are a successful provider you are resented; if you are a bad provider, you’re a failure as a man and your women doesn’t really respect you. It’s really a no win situation.
I’d trade respect from my peers for expressions of love and appreciation from my family any day of the week.
Outside forces, many times, make me feel as though I am supposed to be doing somethin, “NOW” other then when I know it is best for me..so incidently screw the outside forces!
Many years ago at my calmest self reflections of past, present and future..I meditated to a state of unusual being
and simply closed my eyes and envisioned my tombstone…gholly, I know
But I did and I thought real hard to what I wanted written on that stone
I even asked God to make it more clear and visible
Same word kept coming back
time and time again
as simple as that
“Mom”
I am Mom
and no matter what I do in life..I will have that tombstone someday
and what will I leave behind?
my children.
And who will keep my life alive…if I’m lucky
generation after generation
yep, those kids
It will only and always matter how you loved others and whether or not… if they truly loved you
And how did they love you?
Do they go to that tombstone and mock you?
Or do they talk about you to thier wives, friends in that fond familiar…loving way?
This, for me, sustains me
I hope you find what it is you are looking for
but from the many things and ways and sentiments of your words..
I can close my eyes and see your stone too
I can see your children’s children keeping you alive by talking fondly of you
on and on
you will live
now, I don’t really know you
but a person can filter through words
and yours are kind
define yourself
noone else has the right
but a, “Mom” title
is always a winner
when it’s done with love
blessings
crap, i just got home from work after posting this and it is 11:23, i will respond in the new day.
jess
xx
Wookie – probably, a little of my motivation is getting some form of success that is acknowledged by others. It may not be wise, but for me it is a need i have. Even if it’s only my own family.
Ada – exactly. I have had some people tell me that if i was a good mom i would be at home with my children instead of working at night when there is not a financial need for it.
Clio – i love that quote.
David Lee Roth – California Girls. Seriously though, thanks. You always have great insight.
Chantal – do it! The other stuff will work itself out.
Husband – thank-you for providing for us.
I’m posting late.
I have often felt as you do. This is one of those “deathbed” questions you ask yourself.
I know how you feel. I went to my ex-husband’s grandmas funeral when I was much younger. And the eulogy spoke of how she was a full time mom and liked to bake pies, and knit, etc. Since I had great plans in store for myself at the time, I was taken by surprise to hear that summary of the woman’s life made up of seemingly simple pasttimes. But now, 20ish years later, a SAHM, with little career history or future ambitions, I see it from a totally different perspective.
I think living a life of passion that brings true happiness and contentment is the best we can ever hope for. Screw everyone else. Usually no one ever wishes they spent more time at the office, or spending less time with their family.
Although I do sometimes wonder, whether I’d be more “satisfied” pouring my energy into something that benefits a larger quantity of people, than just my two kids and husband. Seems odd though, when I state it that way, doesn’t it?
I see a lot of my friends do this, but it can be really hard to separate not KNOWING what you want to do with your life from not being able to do it. Jess, I’ve met you and I feel strongly that you could do anything you really wanted to. You just have to find something you actually want to do. That’s the hardest part!
Wonderful post, Jess. I have often felt the same way. Often thought that next time around I would want to be a man, the husband. Or what I could really use right now was a wife… It’s a struggle. And thanks to “A Husband” who commented. I think he’s right: We all need love and appreciation.
I have been on both sides of this coin, and now am straddling the middle. A little of both. A little something of my own, a little bit of homemaker. Always a lot mother. Sometimes well, sometimes poorly. I have to go back and read Gifts from the Sea about once a year and remember that this is a universal, timeless & ongoing dialogue women have with themselves, their friends, and their spouses. The ongoing tension between the “being” and “doing” of our lives. How we can better relax into (instead of fighting) how we are wired, embracing and facing both the good and the bad, and take deep breaths, and be content, while not being complacent.
Isn’t it frustrating when you can articulate what is troubling you so well but it doesn’t really change anything? I don’t think it’s a conflict any of us can ever fully escape. Working Moms feel like they should be home with their kids more, stay-at-home-Moms feel like they should be doing more with their lives, and part-time working Moms feel like they’re not doing either thing terribly well. Jerusalem said it beautifully about being content but not complacent. You’re thinking and writing and creating — and in a way it’s good to be dissatisfied. If you had it all, there would be nowhere to go but down — and people who think their lives are perfect are, frankly, just frightening.