I sit in my little island hideaway, perfectly secluded and alone. Alone and anonymous, yet completely naked. I lay it out there in vulnerable shards. Shards of my life, bits and pieces that don't come together to make a complete story.
Many people think they know me because of these words i write. This is only a piece of me, the parts that i choose to share. They often seem too personal, too intimate. Thrown on the screen without hesitation.
That is not it. I choose what i write about with great trepidation. Many things flow through my head before i hit publish. The first being: is this going to hurt someone i care about? I always try to be mindful of those i love. I have hesitated to write about my separation and reconciliation because the events that surround them are intensely personal and i have wanted to protect my children from potential hurt.
The problem therein is my community. This website is read by coworkers, friends, family, my children's friends parents, and on it goes. Last winter it became apparent that there were many in my community who were aware of the events that lead up to my separation and they felt entitled to cast blame and, even, lay judgement in comments right here.
This has made me realize that i can't protect my children from information. I can teach them compassion, empathy and forgiveness. And one day i will have a conversation with them about this past year and the years before them and after them. How they were loved.
I am ashamed of my actions last year. I hurt people i loved out of greed and self-indulgent behaviour that was fueled by my struggle with depression. I have seen and felt the incredible pain i caused. I have asked for forgiveness from the people that matter most and most have given me that.
Yet, there are still those people who want to punish me. I can only imagine that it is out of great fear. Fear that it could happen to them. The simple answer is yes, yes it can happen to you. And if it does, no matter which side of the trauma you land on, you will need friends. You will need people who can listen without judging, who will stand at your side, who will forgive. Who will be your lifesaver. If you are not capable of being that friend then how can you expect to find one.
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
So true – be strong.
Nicely said, Jess.
Jess, I’ve been reading your blog for quite a while now. You need to know that even if you’ve made mistakes, you are a special person, and have a great talent. I am also diagnosed with depression, and have been on medication for about 7 years now. It’s hard to explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it, just how wholly it impacts your life, and how insidiously it changes your perceptions and behavior.
All that aside – I say this. I really appreciate your photos, and the way they help us see your view of the world at the moment. They match your topics extraordinarily well, conveying emotion and feeling in a medium that words can’t touch. They are very powerful, as is your writing. You really have a talent, and I hope you know what a creative person you are. (I also dabble in digital photography, and occasionally, writing – and I could only aspire to some of your work.)
Best of luck!
nicely stated
You hit the nail on the head. Greed and fear are where so many people operate from.
So, you are showing your children that life is often a struggle. That human beings make mistakes, have regrets, yearn for peace and happiness, can never please everyone, have to face their fears to go forward, have to learn to lean on others and ask for help, are always part of a community, have good days, bad days and great days, can be headed down one path and want to change direction and should try to always make time for fun. That we all want to be loved and accepted, that being in love is hard and that the hardest thing to do, but the most important thing to do, is to love and accept yourself unconditionally. You, dear Jess, are the master of the entire list, but for the last part. It’s the hardest part. Keep working on it. I am.
STAND TALL JESS!!!
I’m standing beside you in Lowell, MA.
You hit the nail on the head. Greed and fear are where so many people operate from.
So, you are showing your children that life is often a struggle. That human beings make mistakes, have regrets, yearn for peace and happiness, can never please everyone, have to face their fears to go forward, have to learn to lean on others and ask for help, are always part of a community, have good days, bad days and great days, can be headed down one path and want to change direction and should try to always make time for fun. That we all want to be loved and accepted, that being in love is hard and that the hardest thing to do, but the most important thing to do, is to love and accept yourself unconditionally. You, dear Jess, are the master of the entire list, but for the last part. It’s the hardest part. Keep working on it. I am.
STAND TALL JESS!!!
I’m standing beside you in Lowell, MA.
hey jess,
just realized that i dont have you current address, and without it i wont be able to send your yearly christmas card. i nice little tradition that i enjoy.
I have just moved to a small town and I really wish you were in it.
I have read you since one New Years when you made the kids mussels for New Years? I remember reading the post and thinking it the ideal way to celebrate with family. I have followed you through less than ideal times and have rooted for you and yours from afar.
I think you have eloquently written over some time how even the most idealic looking families can hit a few bumps in life.
I find if you just tell offensive people to simply “beat it” (ts must be pronounced) that it works. No justifications needed.
I’m so sorry people are being this way. Perhaps it is the lack of sunlight affecting them. For every idiot there are at least 10 of us who care and support you and your family and can help bury the bodies.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 14:4
“I can only imagine that it is out of great fear. Fear that it could happen to them. The simple answer is yes, yes it can happen to you…” — You’re exactly right.
There’s always that fear that something terrible is lurking right around the corner that can rock your world. I don’t think that people ever believe that they themselves can ever be the ones to make life-altering mistakes, to fall down and break, or to be the root cause of pain in someone else’s life. We like to think that we’re strong enough to handle life’s problems (and temptations). We’re too proud to admit that we’re just as human and vulnerable as the next guy.
I’ve learned that EVERYONE has a vices and that it’s easy to be judgmental of others until you find yourself seeking forgiveness. Too many praises and cheers for the hero; no real understanding of how the “bad guy” weighs out his decisions or the emotional pain/turmoil he faces that got him to that point in the first place.