Ask me anything and i will answer as clearly and thoughtfully as i can. except for my religion as i am still undecided….
what do you want to know about me?
in comments, links free.
jess
xx
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From the monthly archives:
November 2008
Last night i sat down with a friend and poured out my soul. My fears, my desires, my struggles, my life. It had all been sitting there needing to come out. I have spoken with many people over the past week about what is going on in my life. Told them bits and pieces, not wanting to share everything, scared to share everything.
I have had a lot of advice. All of it good. All of it needed. Some positive and some negative. All of it very similar.
All of it leaving me with a sinking feeling in my gut.
Last night i was given better ideas. A little bit different. I had clarity on some core problems with my life. I need to make some changes.
Internal and external.
I start working with a new life coach this week. It seems like an extravagance in many ways, yet, i am very excited to work on myself. With guidance.
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The kids and i just spent three days in vancouver visiting family and friends. It was lovely and everything being with family is supposed to be.
I felt loved and supported. Family, i'm learning, is a wonderful thing. A team that is always there, listening and sharing.
On tuesday evening i went out for drinks with a very old friend. Someone who has known me for twenty years. We haven't seen each other in seven years, but within a few minutes all that time just disappeared. We talked and talked. About life, love and blogging/social networking. It made me realize how much i treasure this website and the way it has unfolded. The weaving road of my life cataloged in miniature clips. I can't remember ever sitting down and talking about this little world with somebody who understands it and shares my passion for it. It was inspiring. Gave me a little boost to keep on working at it, expanding what i do.
Mostly, going out that evening reminded me what a magical thing a friendship can be. Like family, a lifelong friend has an understanding and thoughtfulness on your life that comforts. A dynamic where you feel truly present and yourself. I miss my friends from the city.
I'm a little angry at myself for taking so long to make an effort, face my anxieties, and connect with people. I go to vancouver several times a year and this was the first time that i followed through on best intentions to see people. To open myself up to the possibility for fun.
It was a wonderful little visit. For the kids and me.
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I just spent an hour reading this article about David Foster Wallace (via Sweetney).
My chest is literally aching now. A short sharp pain that is just sitting there. DFW was an amazing man, An amazing, tortured, man. What moved me so deeply about the article was the similarities i felt with his life. The pain of being alive. The torment of being a quiet observer. The humiliation of mental illness. The shame.
The searching for something to make it better, to justify who you are, to make yourself better, prove yourself to the world.
The drugs. The pharmaceuticals that just don't work, or worse, change who you are. Make the world a dull, foggy, harsh place to be. And the fear of life without them. The fear of being helpless, of getting to a place when death seems the best solution to put an end to the suffering that is killing you anyway.
It also made me thankful that i've been to that place and have come back. That i am better.
Also fearful. Fearful for the day depression creeps back in, because i know it will. To believe otherwise would be foolish.
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It feels strange to be feeling like something is lost today when so much was won yesterday.
Today i feel like the innocence i once had is completely gone. I've negotiated my way through many twists and turns in this life. But, this year, i have found a heart that was lost.
I found my heart. It is a sad and broken thing, but it is mine.
The innocence i lost, the thing i lost today? An idealistic dream that someone else could take care of my heart. Could take care of me. It is my heart and mine to take care of. I am the only one responsible for me. I can't always be doing what i feel is right for others at cost to me.
It all sounds so simple. Just like the little lessons i try and teach my kids. Nothing is simple.
The complete breakdown of a marriage is always two sided and it is a terrible thing. Good people make bad decisions. Good couples don't always make it. Don't always make it through.
Today is not a great day. The towel isn't thrown in yet, but like in a boxing match, both sides are holding it in the air, ready to let it drop.
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