It was my birthday yesterday. All i wanted was a day with my children. A day we could be together and celebrate. Not celebrate me as much as celebrate what i have.
I kept them home from school. That was the perfect start, no rushing around, no lunches to pack.
On tuesday tristan saw the orthopedic surgeon who said her leg was healing nicely and cut her cast down to a much more manageable knee height. So, she was mobile, somewhat, and we piled in the van and headed to town.
We spent the morning investigating every nook and cranny of the museum. Tristan in her wheelchair and the other kids running circles around us. We had fun. We laughed, we learned and we were together. We had a nice lunch and headed home so that i could get to work.
It was exactly the day i had hoped for.
I am not sure of what this coming year has to offer me. I have been thinking and reading a lot about self, personal freedom and state of being. A friend and reader has been offering me small bits of wisdom and clarity over the past couple years and finally it is clicking. I have been making assumptions about myself that were too simple; didn't uncover the real truths behind or under the surface. I am hopeful that this year will bring me some freedom from the thoughts and feelings that have been my dominant theme since 2006. I am hopeful that my path will become more apparent. I am hopeful that my brain will be less cloudy.
I am hopeful.
As we were beginning dinner service last night the power went out. Despite living in an area of frequent power outages, this was the first time it had happened to me at work. The restaurant was instantly silent. We had about 8 customers in at the time and were expecting a full house by the end of the evening. The silence was awkward, no music, no talking, no fans and fire from the kitchen. The restaurant had gone from a bustle to complete stillness in the blink of an eye.
We spent a few moments assessing the situation, determined that power was out for a large portion of the island (freaky) and decided to continue on in the spirit of thanks. We had a turkey hot (and done) out of the oven and could use the gas on the stoves only intermittently as the hood fans were down. Instead of choosing between a traditional turkey dinner, venison or handmade raviolis, we offered each and every person a plate of turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy and salad – no stuffing, no veg, no pretty extras.
Everybody was thrilled and as we filled the restaurant with candles and poured wine the atmosphere became a little bit magical. There was happiness and thankfulness. Everything that was important was right there in that little room. Family, friends, food. Simple and perfect. It gave me a thanks when i couldn't be with my own family.
It's thanksgiving weekend. We didn't have turkey, we had ribs. I was going to make a big dinner with all the trimmings, but life got in the way. I stayed up late last night making a photo album from my flickr photos. Going through four years of photos is a great way to remember all the good times, all the things you have to be thankful for.
I am thankful for my children. I am thankful for this life. I am thankful that life has been sometimes difficult because it has let me see the value in the good things. The small things. The big things. The love that i am surrounded by and sometimes take for granted. I am thankful that my children live in this amazing country, that they live a life free.
I am thankful for the internet. The access to information, entertainment and friends. I am thankful for this website and it's record of my life. I am thankful for you.
Life has taken a very slow turn. Tristan and i sit around all day trying to keep entertained. We've had lots of giggles. We are only a week in and i don't think she'll be ready for school, in a wheelchair, for at least another week.
I've had plenty of time to sit and think.
Just when i felt that life was spinning away from me i was given this opportunity to slow right down. It's been good, a little reprieve at the perfect moment.
I've been ruminating about self. As in me and my sense of self. Not how others perceive me or what i think they see, what i am. I know who i am. I just don't fully understand this thing called self. How i want to be in this world and what i want reflected at me and by me. I don't think i can find peace until i understand this thing.
There are the simple things – mother, daughter, friend. But there is something more, something deeper that i left behind, that i have lost. The spirit of me. The passion, love, compassion, sympathy, longing, searching. The forces that combine in your heart and soul to make a unique whole person.