I know i frustrate you with my ups and my downs. My circles. Always coming back around.
For me, i see it more as a spiral. Each rotation is a little off the epicentre. The bottom. The bottom was the deepest darkest days. Back before my marriage exploded. Back when waking up was a near impossible exercise. When i retreated to my bed at every opportunity. Some days i barely made it out. Some days i barely got through, i would say i didn't get through them. I was a shell of a person. Ghostly and pale. Completely lost to the present.
I am not that anymore. The most important thing to me is to do everything in my power to never be in that horrible place again. I will always do these laps. This happy/sad dance. It is in me. It is at the root of me. It does not define me. But it, sometimes, blinds me.
When i write about these emotional waves it helps me, you help me, to pull myself back to centre. Back to middle. Middle isn't the best place in the world, but it is living. It is able to see the good and the bad. To feel, and accept, the high and the low and know that these are all normal feelings. That i can live with this.
Don't be alarmed by my meanderings. I am going through a very difficult stage in my life. I am focused on a positive outcome, no matter what it may be. I want this to be a learning and growing experience. I am on a mission to know myself, to let my self be known to me. To have faith that self is important.
I'm having a difficult time seeing the forest for the trees.
The unsettled feeling in the air. The economy, our elections, your elections, famine, disaster, random acts of violence, poverty. It seems so simple, how to fix things. But sometimes the fixing is so much harder than the living with.
I am sorry. So sorry that a thing that was once pure and magical was destroyed by me. I am sorry that the world is being destroyed as well. I am sorry that the future my children could have had is gone now. I am sorry that we all lost our innocence, our childish thinking that everything would work out fine.
I am touched by the beauty around me. It has been the most beautiful autumn i can recall. The colours are vivid, popping to the point of surreal perfection. The glow of dusk leaving me dizzy. It has been cold and sunny – my very favourite weather combination. Scarves and cardigans, thick socks and knee high boots.
I am touched and moved to tears by everyday moments. The kids skipping out of school. Boys wrestling in the evenings. The determination in my daughters eyes as she struggles to get around on crutches. Little boys in halloween costumes.
I feel emotional. Moody to the point of exhaustion.
When you break a persons heart it is very hard to mend that heart. A heart can be torn and stretched and filled, but it has its limit. Eventually it will break. Things have been hard in this house. There is anger flowing and filling in those broken spots. We work through the days to protect the children from all the sorrow, the loss of something magical. We work through the nights, talking, crying, avoiding. We wake as exhausted as we fell. A relentless circle.
It has become painfully obvious that a small percentage of the population require some advice on etiquette when dining out. As a (somewhat) professional i am going to offer up some advice.
1. As a general rule in regard to gratuity 10% is insulting, 15% is acceptable and 20% shows respect and gratitude for a good to great dining experience. As someone in the industry i always tip more than 20% whether it's Boston Pizza or French Laundry.
2. Just because the bread is free does not mean you can have as much as you want, especially if you ordered a salad and water.
3. If you had an unsatisfactory dining experience please let us know. We really want everybody to enjoy themselves.
4. If your meal is unsatisfactory please let us know right away so that we can fix it. If you tell us after you are finished we assume you are looking for a free meal.
5. If you get something extra or for free it is a gift, don't expect it every time.
6. If service is slow it means we are really busy. Before complaining have a look around. Is the restaurant full? Are there several orders going in at the same time? It is safe to assume that if you see several tables with menus open at the same time that service may be somewhat delayed. Rest assured that we are working as hard and fast as we can to get you what you need.
7. We know what you want before you do. If we are slow getting you an 8th cocktail or third bottle of wine it's because we know you don't really want that hangover or DUI.
8. If you are unsure about tasting wine follow these steps: approve the label (make sure it's what you ordered), swirl the wine in the glass, sniff and sip. (You can even skip the sniff.) This tasting is not to see if you like the wine, but to check for quality. If you don't like it you may or may not be stuck with it, depending on the variety and price. An open bottle of wine is hard to sell.
9. Let us pour your wine for you.
10. If you are in a rush, go to the drive thru.
11. If you are bringing your children please come early so that you can be served promptly and the kids don't get restless.
12. Everybody is "friends" with the owner.
13. Don't worry about your cutlery, we'll make sure you have what you need.
14. The chef does appreciate compliments. The chef does not appreciate being pulled into conversations in the middle of a busy service.
15. Don't call us honey, darling, sweety etc. It's condescending.
16. Please don't assume we know you unless we have personally served you more than twice.
17. Relax. Enjoy the food, the company, the atmosphere and the wine.
18. And then go home. If you are the only table in the restaurant on a week night don't sit and chat for two hours without ordering anything else. Lots of us have kids and families to go home to and wake up with in the morning.
Thank you.
*photo by victornuno/