Sometimes i look around me at all the happy people and i hate them. I feel like a bad mother, a bad person. A failure. Like i've let everyone i care about down. I am a disappointment.
All of my kids are in school now. I have a two hour period of time every week day alone. Alone. It's been eleven years since i had that. There were times in the past year when i was alone. Somehow that was different.
It has been a very hard two weeks. I have been working a lot and on school days only see the big kids for about two hours a day. I miss them very much. This schedule is very difficult to keep up.
I need to. I need to because i am not ready to give up any of the things that gave me the independence to maintain a household on my own. I can't even give up that house. I am terrified to because i am still so unsure if all of this is going to work out.
As it turns out forgiveness is a very difficult thing. And hurt and pain never really go away. And what you need may not be available.
That other people may never forgive you. Sides are drawn in the sand. Hatred runs as deep as love.
thank you for moving the dead animals
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I’m sorry, I hope you find peace.
What a deep and lonely emotional journey you are on….In the end I am sure there will be a gold lining,just what road you travel to find it may be vastly different than expected.
Peace to you.
Your last line is so right (at least in my life as well). I struggle with IT too and peace seems to be a hard thing to find.
I have read here on and off and I always feel such great empathy for the sadness and lonliness you suffer from.
hugs.
Hon this sounds a bit “chemical-ly” (hormone-ey?)
As in, are you maybe off balance meds wise?
It sounds so familiar- I am not judging, but speaking from experience. Would a reassessment of that side of things be an idea?
Hugs to you, if you like. Or not.
Life is HARD.It is!
I was raised by a single mother and one of the most valuable lessons she taught my sister and I was this: Never allow yourself to be in a situation where you rely solely on a man.
This may sound cynical and man-haterish but it has actually turned out to be a very empowering piece of female wisdom.
I have actually been with the same man for 18 years but I have (almost-I’m a mother after all) always made my best effort to retained my identity and independance in my relationship. I strongly believe that this includes making ‘selfish’ time for ones self, whether that is a job, a weekly yoga class, a book club, pursuing a degree, etc. By making time for yourself you are not only ensuring your independance, but you are proving to your family that you are valuable and important. It’s not always about money.
Hi Jess,
Listen. Nobody is perfect at forgiveness. It’s an ongoing process. There are good days and bad days, but there really isn’t any getting away from the need to learn all this stuff.
Having four children, a struggling marriage, a new house and a job is a very difficult situation. This has nothing to do with you personally or your worthiness.
Your unhappiness always surfaces shortly after you get something you want (I’ve been reading you for a long time!) because you realize that although you believed the change would make you happy, you discover that it hasn’t.
This is the human condition. Happiness can’t be found by running to and from one thing after another. You have to rise about that level of seeking altogether.
The truth is that the good times don’t last very long–but neither do the bad ones! They all keep changing all the time. As you learn to just surrender to the flow if it, the whole thing gets less extreme and much more pleasant.
If what you want is forgiveness, then be forgiving. What you put out, you get back.
xoxo
m.
apparently i’m still asleep. it’s rise above, and surrender to the flow of….
hang in, jess.
Knowing that you aren’t the biggest fan of hugs, but with nothing else to possibly offer, gentle hugs my friend. Tread softly and be kind to yourself.
Marian – thank -you so much for this little kick in the butt. It is so true and what i needed. Your wisdom always amazes me.
jess – right back at you. xxoo
Kim – thanks. I know you have had a tough year as well.
Gramma – i’m totally med free now.
I think I want Marian to be my therapist…this woman knows what is what….listen to her jess…we are all here rooting for you!
Jess,
Yesterday was a bad day. Very bad. I was overwhelmed, cried at everything, and tried to focus just a little at a time. It was so hard and many times I lay my head down just to be able to breathe. I know what you’re feeling is really all I’m saying.
Normally, I try to offer uplifting words to you but today all I can give you is solidarity and a sense of I KNOW OF WHAT YOU SPEAK. If nothing else, that comes with a side order of hugs.
Today, the sunset was beautiful. I watched my son at karate and then ran into my daughter near a liquor store and got some wine. Now, I’m sipping it slowly and listening to some great music (I tweeted this guy: http://mattlivasy.com/home.html and I hope you listen and like it).
One more thing: I’m reading Kim McMillen’s “When I Loved Myself Enough” and this spoke to me:
When I loved myself enough I could remember, during times of confusion, struggle or grief, that these too are part of me and deserve my love.