To my youngest son, to my baby, i wish you the happiest and sweetest fifth birthday.
Parker is the light in my eyes. He is such a wonderful, gentle, sweet boy with the temper of a rabid hamster. He will be screaming and throwing things one minute and kissing me and telling me he loves me the next. I still wake up most mornings with his angelic face beside mine. The minute he opens his eyes he smiles and leans over and plants a squeeky kiss on my cheek.
There have been many mornings this year that i awoke and silently wept beside him. Admiring the innocence in his pudgy sleeping face. Praying for some wisdom in a difficult year. His morning rituals always helped me to get out of bed with a little sparkle in my heart.
Parker is full of exuberance for most things that life brings his way. Always eager to try something new or play the same old game as long as his big brother is by his side. They have a magical relationship where in the good moments they can play for hours on end wrapped up in a playmobil mega-epic. They also, as most brothers do, passionately fight. The physical fighting, i'm realizing, is truly a male thing. The girls settle for name calling and hurtful comments. I'm never sure which is worse. I do know at the end of every day my children love each other and want to be together as much as possible.
Parker is my youngest. As i celebrate his growing and expanding into the world; each new year, new success also makes me a little sad. Each milestone achieved means the last time i will see this developmental goal crossed. I am now a mother to four school aged children and as i sit here alone in the house, for the first time since i brought tristan home from the hospital, i can't help but wonder where the years have gone. I hope i will remember more of the small moments as sleep deprivation creeks it's way out of my brain.
I know one thing. Each of my children have been an incredible gift. I may not always be the best parent in the world. I may really suck at crafts. But, the love i have for them in my heart is ever-growing and tears me open every single day.
I feel like the luckiest woman in the world. Happy birthday parker.
Sometimes i look around me at all the happy people and i hate them. I feel like a bad mother, a bad person. A failure. Like i've let everyone i care about down. I am a disappointment.
All of my kids are in school now. I have a two hour period of time every week day alone. Alone. It's been eleven years since i had that. There were times in the past year when i was alone. Somehow that was different.
It has been a very hard two weeks. I have been working a lot and on school days only see the big kids for about two hours a day. I miss them very much. This schedule is very difficult to keep up.
I need to. I need to because i am not ready to give up any of the things that gave me the independence to maintain a household on my own. I can't even give up that house. I am terrified to because i am still so unsure if all of this is going to work out.
As it turns out forgiveness is a very difficult thing. And hurt and pain never really go away. And what you need may not be available.
That other people may never forgive you. Sides are drawn in the sand. Hatred runs as deep as love.
Yo, i'm live on the internet. My podcast from my session at BlogHer is up at the BlogHer website.
And thank god because i am very hungover this morning from a staff party yesterday that included a limo, a boat that went 120mph and an afternoon by the pool all fueled by Red Bull and vodka.
I was thinking this morning about love and marriage/relationships. When i was young i was sure i would never find love. I didn't have an understanding of what love could be. I hadn't had any experience with unconditional love. My first real boyfriend i had for three years, then i met shane.
Life with shane has been anything, but easy. When we were first together our love was so intense that it was physically painful for me. When he was away from me i felt like half a person. Ours was an intense courtship.
Intense love wasn't easy. I was young and emotionally a baby. I had struggled with anxiety and depression for years already. Our early years were filled with doubt for me. I couldn't believe that he loved me just for me. I felt like i had to be better. A better lover, a better girlfriend, prettier, smarter, funnier.
As time went on we eased into a calmer, easy love. After university we both had good jobs. We had a great apartment. We had a good life. I was still unsure. I couldn't enjoy the moments as they came. I worried about our future. How i could keep him. I knew he was special.
Then the years flew by in a whirlwind of babies. Suddenly, i was lost in a life that i didn't really want. We were fiercely competitive with each other. Co-dependent. Unhealthy. Instead of working on the problem. Working on the love. I was terrified by it. Terrified of a future full of love that had gone bad. I created an escape plan that was cruel. I betrayed the man who had stood by me through everything. I don't know why i did the things i did. I was reeling in a fog of depression, suicidal thoughts, alcohol, insomnia and denial. I thought the better solution was to run away from everything. I tried to do that by killing myself. When that didn't work i lied that everything was okay and continued on a horrible and destructive path till i found myself out of the marriage.
And i spent a year thinking i could turn my back on that love. I could push it out of my heart. I couldn't.
People keep congratulating us like we are newlyweds. It's not like that. It is hard. We are working on healing. Finding new ways to be together and communicate that are healthy. Expressing our needs. Being independent. Being together. We are defying the odds. Backing out of the statistics.
Love is never black and white. It is a million shades of grey.
Fall is fair time here on the island. We had a nice day, depending on what you consider nice. For us it meant spending way too much money for an end result of grumpy kids and one missing pre-teen. Hopefully, she'll turn up soon.