I have been having increasing levels of anxiety. Low level anxiety is always there and full scale anxiety attacks on a regular basis.
Yesterday i had three anxiety attacks while i was driving. Three times i found myself pulling over on the highway feeling the world closing in on me. Close to passing out; heart pounding, rushing in my ears, terror. Sitting on the shoulder frantically spraying Rescue Remedy and trying to breathe. In and out. In and out. Too scared to put the car back in gear, get to school to pick up parker.
Almost twenty years ago i had a series of seizures. We never really understood why they happened, but for years i was terrified to drive out of fear of having another seizure. Earlier this year i had an out of the blue loss of consciousness, out of the blue save for the extreme stress i was under. Again the doctors were concerned that it was another seizure, but since i was alone we had no idea.
My life is full of stress right now. Beginnings and endings. Uncertainty. The return of anxiety and, quite possibly, drugs.
The weather has been really, really beautiful here on the westcoast. Warm, sunny days enhanced by the vibrant colours of leaves changing and the rich smells of bonfires and wet grass. I love it, just sitting and enjoying the wonder of this world.
I have been closing in on myself, a bad habit of mine. This turning inward often happens this time of year. I think it's the knowledge that the long, dark days of winter will soon be setting in. It's almost a defense mechanism, wrapping myself in a blanket, in an effort to keep my heart warm through the winter.
This is not healthy. A distance is created between me and those close to me.
Marian wrote this to me in a comment earlier this month:
Your unhappiness always surfaces shortly after you get something you want (I've been reading you for a long time!) because you realize that although you believed the change would make you happy, you discover that it hasn't.
I've been rolling this around in my brain for the past few weeks. It struck me like a wrecking ball. A simple yet profound observation about me. It really knocked my socks off.
What do i want?
I've been trying to answer that question. Answer it in an honest way, no matter how terrifying. What do i want. I want to not be unhappy. I want feel satisfied with my life. I want moments of bliss. I want to laugh really hard sometimes, i want to smile or giggle when i'm alone thinking about something.
How to make those things happen is the question. The real question.
Last night twenty elementary school teachers made me cry. It was their party and and i was reduced to tears.
I was working and the teachers were celebrating someones birthday. It started out bad, BAD, right from the moment they walked in and hated the way their tables were set up. It's a boring story really. They were not diners and expected fast service and appetizers and meals to come at the same time. And twenty separate checks. Right away!
I busted my ass for two hours getting them drinks, making tableside caesars and organizing bills. Then they stood up and started berating me for "no service for two hours!"
I'm not sure what it was, but i totally lost it. I didn't get angry. I just broke down. I had to leave and sit outside for half an hour. I think that i'm just exhausted. That all the hard work i am doing in all corners of my life feels so unrewarded. Or perhaps, acknowledged.
I have this personality that makes me want to please people, make them happy, help them out. I do it because i like it. I like it when people are happy because of some small thing i did. That's why i like my job, i love the act of fine dining. The escape, for a few hours, from reality. To pamper with great food, great wine and a great atmosphere. Seeing people truly enjoy the company of others. It feels good to do that, to provide that interlude from this crazy world.
I just spent half an hour looking through my photos from this past year. What a year.
I really don't have the words or energy to describe all the emotions that are filling me up right now, suffice it to say it's a full bucket.
This week i have been called many things:
self-indulgent
self-centered
generous
kind
rude
hateful
pretty
honey bunny (by a customer, felt like i should come out with guns blazing a la Tarantino)
quiet
sensitive
loud
crude
funny
magical
It seems odd that people have such varying thoughts about me. Ideas of who i am. And really? Who am i? I am a mother, a wife, a friend, an employee, a waitress, a thinker, a writer, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a twitterer, a facebook friend. Do i *feel* like those things? Not really. I feel like me, like jess. Same as i always have, since i was a child.
I am in my head. I am hopeful but doubting. I am words swirling but failing to come out. I am human. I have a heart that wants to destroy me. I am hurting and recovering. Over and over. I am lost and i am found.