"Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared believe that something inside of them was superior to circumstance." Bruce Barton Thanks SueBob
I am in love. I am in love and i feel like the luckiest woman in the world. My husband forgave me for a mistake i made. The worst possible mistake one spouse can do to another.
Not only did he forgive me, but i forgave myself. Marriage is a choice. It's a partnership. It's love and longing and desire. For us, it's also living with my depression and mania. It's despair and grief, anger and betrayal. I wish i could say i will never fall into depression again, but given my history i probably will.
I will not let it spiral into ruin again. I will seek help when i need it. I have a whole army of people to help me now. I also have perspective inwardly in a way i never have in my life. Seeing it all fall apart and come back together again. Seeing, truly seeing, the love that i almost lost forever has blown my psyche wide open. I wasn't a victim of circumstances, i was a victim of the horrible voices in my head and heart. I know that little devil in my head now and i hate her.
The thing about depression and manic episodes is that when you are in the middle of them they are like a drug. Though you hate them you just can't picture yourself without them. You begin to identify as "that depressed girl." And now that i am not her, i don't like her. I will do everything i can to keep her away and if she knocks i am going to get help answering that door.
I never want to lose the love of my life again.
I had a dream last night that my teeth were falling out and i was worried about how long it would take for my grown up teeth to come in, how i would wait tables with a toothless grin.
I am continuing to work an awful lot. The restaurant is fully booked every night. It's exhausting, exhilarating, frustrating and fun. I had one table make a complaint the other night. It was disappointing because i knew it was going shitty from the moment they sat down and there was no effort on my part that could change that. It just kept getting worse and the women at the table really didn't like me.
The thing is i don't understand people making written complaints instead of just asking for what they need at the time. They'd rather jeopardize a persons employment. Sometimes, sure, it's just really bad service – perhaps then – but, really, aren't we all human? Deserve a second chance? It's the caretaker in me. I want to make everybody i take care of happy and have the best experience possible. When things start going south i am filled with anxiety. I just want to make it all better.
Being married again. Being married again has been wonderful. Wonderful, difficult, passionate, comforting. All the things you would expect. We made an offer on a new home the other day and are waiting to hear back. We are busy packing up two houses, getting one ready to put on the market, all while both working full time, taking care of the kids and trying to carve out time to reconnect and talk.
What might seem like a stressful set of circumstances has been lovely. A chance to work together as a team to build something new. A fresh start. A new home. A family.
I remember the first time i ever saw shane. I was walking through my college campus and i saw him standing on top of a picnic table reciting a poem in front of a small group of students. I don't think i stopped, but i remember having one of those feelings. A feeling that this person was going to be a part of my life. We started dating shortly after that.
That was seventeen years ago in september.
Coming back together after nearly a year has been, in some ways, like starting again. In other ways it feels like that block of time never happened. Like we were always meant to be together, all the crappy circumstances that caused that break, have brought us back together stronger.
In counseling the other day our therapist said we needed to see our future as walking together hand in hand. Supporting and being together as equals.
In the last five years of our marriage we fell into this trap of stereotypes. I think it can be very difficult not to when you have the stay-at-home mom/dad as provider scenario. I felt unvalued and small. When my long depression set in i got lonelier and angrier. I lost perspective on my life, my family, my marriage. Now that i have carved out an independent life for myself i feel stronger than i ever have. I am coming back into marriage as a whole person.
A person who is happy to walk alongside.
I am so tired.
I am so tired i can barely manage a complete thought.
My days have been filled with kids and family and swimming in the lake. Good things, good times, happy children. This summer is going so much better for them than last. It feels good. I am filled with joy at watching their lazy summer days, sometimes boring, but never dramatic.
I have been working. I have been working too much. Summer is the busy season. Summer is seven shifts a week. Late nights and early mornings with children.
Shane and i have been staying up late. Talking, reconnecting. Long and difficult conversations on a weary body and mind. I am feeling the toll today of a body and mind pushed too far. The end in sight is october. Push through.
These are all positive things, but they are leaving me hollow inside this morning.
Over the weekend my domain name expired. It made me realize how much i love this website. How much it means to me to have this space to share and record my life. The mundane and the exciting.
The thought that over a twenty four hour period anybody in the whole world could buy up drowninginkids.com had me in a panic. Luckily, it's not really a name many people, or anybody, wanted. So, it's mine for another three years. Phew.
This life in transition is going well. The hardest part is combining our lives again. Two homes to bring back together as one. Giving up my home will be hard. I love my little house and everything it means for me. The hard work i had to do to make it mine. The struggles and successes. The space of my own.
Combining our lives also means coming to terms with both of us having had other people involved in them. We have both had other relationships. Dealing with the range of emotions that brings is more than difficult. Nothing worth having is ever easy though.
It will be another long journey.